Argus Hamilton's column for 8-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton flew to North Korea Tuesday to obtain the release of two captured young American women journalists there and bring them home. Imagine his joy. It's the first time Bill Clinton ever picked up two young women with his wife's permission.

North Korea's Kim Jong-Il decided to free the two young American women Tuesday. He drinks Cognac, takes sex pills, wears shoe lifts and sleeps with teenage girls. He would only hand the women over to Bill Clinton, because Jimmy Carter is so judgmental.

Arnold Schwarzenegger welcomed Laura Ling and Euna Lee home Tuesday after they were cruelly abducted by North Korea. His approval is low. The reason we elected someone who's half human and half robot to be governor was to protect us from villains.

Roseanne Barr did a photo spread in a Jewish humor magazine wearing a swastika armband, a Hitler mustache and slicked-down hair. It's a lesson for all Hollywood. Never lie down on the operating table and invite your plastic surgeon to surprise you.

Ryan O'Neal admitted Monday he didn't recognize his daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and he tried to pick her up as the casket went by. His son Griffin confirmed Monday that Ryan used to shoot at him in the living room. Everyone's been waiting for the re-make of the Beverly Hillbillies but the run-throughs are too bloody.

Barack Obama's face was caricatured as the Joker on L.A. billboards which sprang up Monday. It's not fair. One guy has an outsized smile and an easy way with words whose life's mission is to rip off millionaires, and the other guy is Batman's nemesis.

White House Communications Director Linda Douglass opened an office to attack health care reform opponents Tuesday and played videos attacking Obama's critics. She was once a CBS and ABC News reporter. A lot of beautiful young women go from being cheerleaders to network news reporters, but Linda Douglass did it the other way around.

The Postal Service made plans to close a thousand post offices Monday. They're losing business to e-mail. If they want to make money they need to follow the Internet's lead and put pictures of porn stars and poker hands on first-class stamps.

Washington University researchers said Monday that kids now suffer depression at age three. It makes sense. That's when they're told they owe a hundred thousand dollars to the national debt and the planet will melt before they finish making their payments on it.

Somali pirates released a German freighter crew three months after seizing the boat. The Germans paid the pirates three million. They decided they'd rather pay the ransom than confront the Africans and end up at the White House drinking Bud Lite.

President Obama had lunch with Senate Democrats Tuesday and he gave them a pep talk on health care reform. He knows it's contentious. We could end up with half the country getting free health care and the other half getting Australian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya on President Obama's birthday Tuesday at a trade summit. It was her idea. She wanted to be in Kenya on President Obama's birthday because the village where a savior is born always has a giant celebration on that day.

President Obama sent a note to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Tuesday that congratulated him on his re-election. This a week after he gave anti-Israeli Irish politician Mary Robinson the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It's President Obama's way of letting Israel know that he's not going to play favorites between good and evil.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio