Argus Hamilton's column for 8-30-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Somali pirates opened fire on a Navy helicopter off Africa Friday. The pirates are targeted by the White House. They ransom ships, spend all the money on hookers and cocaine and worst of all, when they get sick they simply go to the emergency room.

Louisville police released a video of Coach Rick Pitino's accused extortioner Tuesday describing in a police interview their tryst on a restaurant table top. He's in real trouble. Now everyone in Kentucky can see he didn't say grace beforehand.

Michael Vick emerged from bankruptcy Thursday after a judge approved a plan to pay off his debts. He was ordered to hire a financial planner to handle his money. Bernie Madoff has been wondering what kind of prison job they were going to give him.

Ted Kennedy was eulogized Wednesday as a man who cared for the poor and who stayed optimistic. It's an old party trait. A Democrat sees the glass of water as half full, while a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who drank half his water.

Teddy Kennedy's name became a war cry for government-run health care Friday by Democrats. His father was one of America's greatest capitalists. Ted was buried at Arlington instead of in the family plot to keep him away from his dad as long as possible.

Massachusetts Republicans were reported Thursday recruiting former Red Sox ace Curt Schilling to run for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. Republicans think he'll be a great team player. Only Barney Frank has showered with more men than Curt Schilling.

Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill had a noisy town hall meeting Wednesday. The heckling actually started during the opening prayer. Every time she answered a question on health care reform she was stunned that they were still booing the prayer.

Democratic U.S. Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was reported Friday in danger of being challenged by a conservative Democrat next year. It's a one-party state. People in Arkansas would vote for the Devil if he were a Democrat, unless it was the primary.

The FTC announced a nationwide ban Thursday on robocalls to homes, beginning this week. The recorded calls have become a major annoyance. From now on college students who call home will have to stay on the line and ask for the money personally.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced plans to investigate CIA employees for torturing detainees. They're leaving the agency in droves. One interrogator signed with Dick Clark Productions to host a game show called the Twenty Thousand Dollar Naked Pyramid.

Don Imus was reported Thursday ready to sign a deal to bring his morning radio show to the Fox Business Channel. The idea has tremendous possibilities. If Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can be lured into monitoring Don Imus on Fox Business News Channel every day, it could brainwash them into becoming capitalists and save America.

The Weather Channel aired pictures of wildfires around Los Angeles Thursday when the hot and dry Santa Ana winds arrived off the Imperial Desert. The Spanish explorers believed these winds cause temporary insanity. How else to explain the rebound in real estate?

Budweiser was rebuked Wednesday for decorating Budweiser cans in local college football colors. They said it encouraged campus binge drinking. Decades ago Budweiser began making their cans in the colors of crimson and cream, trusting that sales to Alabama fans and Oklahoma fans and the Soviet Army would always guarantee a profit.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio