Argus Hamilton's column for 8-23-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Scotland released the terrorist convicted of the Pan Am bombing Thursday because he has prostate cancer. He flew home to Libya to die. It's a shame because we've got cruise missiles that could have gone in there and gotten the cancer.

Brett Favre signed a huge deal with the Minnesota Vikings Monday. He announced he was retiring and then an aide whispered in his ear, then he announced he was coming back. He is just one concussion shy of being as entertaining as Terry Bradshaw.

South Africa sprinter Caster Semenya was ordered to take a gender test to make sure she's a woman. The test is easy. We hand her over to North Korea and send Bill Clinton to get her out, and if he comes back empty-handed we know his heart wasn't in it.

Michael Jackson will be laid to rest next week in a mausoleum next to Red Skelton, W.C. Fields and Errol Flynn. It's a reminder. We got out of the last depression with a Cash for Drunkards program, stimulating the economy by replacing all the cars they crashed.

Cash for Clunkers was ended Thursday with dealers yelling for their federal rebate money. One car dealer's really worried they're going to stiff him. To make sure he gets his money back, he's going to change the name of his dealership to Goldman Sachs.

The White House canceled a Blackwater Security contract to assassinate al-Qaeda kingpins. The deal was rejected on principle. The program paid a private company to assassinate people, and the Obama administration doesn't believe in private companies.

Saran Palin was reported Thursday to be moving from Alaska to Rhode Island by newspapers in Anchorage and Providence. That makes it perfect. Last year Sarah Palin was an Anchorage to McCain's campaign and an act of Providence for stand-up comedians.

Baghdad was hit by explosions Tuesday which failed to shake the democratically elected and multi-party Iraqi government. Six years ago the U.S. was a democracy and Iraq was a one-party dictatorship. This isn't a war, it's a remake of Trading Places.

Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak praised Barack Obama Tuesday for his outreach to the Muslim world. What else can the president do? America's port security and border security and air security are so shoddy we have no choice but to be nice to everybody.

President Obama held a teleconference call with the nation's religious leaders on Wednesday. The president closed his eyes and winced waiting for the preachers to start screaming and denouncing America, but it never happened. He's still detoxing.

Santa Barbara firefighters said Thursday that last week's huge brushfires were accidentally started by Mexican pot growers who operated on the steep hillsides. The growers irrigated the marijuana crops by diverting a stream above. Californians are outraged that they're getting free water while the rest of the state is on rationing.

The Centers for Disease Control said Thursday that the average American's life lasts seventy-eight years. It's not the longest lifespan. The average person in Japan lives to the age of eighty-three, if you call driving forty miles an hour living.

The Andy Warhol Museum archivist found a nude photo of Jackie Kennedy Thursday while burrowing through boxes. It's autographed by her to the artist. Posing nude for artists is what celebrities had to do for publicity before there was keyhole video.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio