Argus Hamilton's column for 8-2-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama had a beer with the cop and the professor Thursday. Let's hope that ends it. If Barack Obama is going to invite every white cop and every black suspect to have a beer at the White House, he's going to have to get a liquor license.

President Obama engaged the cop and professor in a deep discussion over beers Thursday. There was no toasting. They were going to drink to their good health, but they couldn't agree on whether there should be regional co-ops or a single-payer plan.

President Obama sat in the Rose Garden Thursday with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant Jim Crowley and Joe Biden. No one knew Biden was coming. He thought it was Apologize for Gaffes Day at the White House and ended up monopolizing the conversation.

President Obama said Thursday he hopes the beer summit gets Americans to listen to one another on race. It's important. The president said none of us are perfect, the only people who are always right are the trial lawyers and the auto workers union.

Utah cops were led on a car chase Sunday by a seven-year-old boy who didn't want to go to church. His dad says he learned how to accelerate and steer by playing the video game Grand Theft Auto. The child was on his way to pick up a hooker and kill her.

The USC Trojans reportedly broke NCAA rules last year by hiring an NFL kicking coach. It's not new. USC is the only school that gives their players laundry money to cover the cost of sending their salaries through the Cayman Islands to Switzerland.

Sarah Palin received an offer on Tuesday to host a nationally syndicated radio talk show. She's an absolute knockout whose body has been possessed by the ghost of Richard Nixon. Radio is not big enough for this story, it has to be a feature film.

Mayor Bloomberg offered New York's homeless a one-way plane ticket to anywhere they have relatives Wednesday. Not everyone has been approved. Ruthie Madoff was refused when she wrote down on the application she has a sister in a Swiss bank vault.

Georgia policemen were suspended Thursday after they decided to run a criminal background check on President Obama. This explains everything. When President Obama said the police acted stupidly, the speech was in the Teleprompter a week early.

The American Poison Control Center reported a jump in the number of snakebites in Texas and California Friday. It's obvious why. Drugs are such a problem at the border that the snakes die of withdrawal if they don't bite someone every ten minutes.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi accused health insurance companies of being immoral villains out to kill health care reform Thursday. It's no mystery. As soon as no pulse is detected, all the suspects gather in one room and point fingers at each other.

Congress pondered a two-hundred-percent tax hike on booze Friday. They want to tax sugary drinks and fatty foods and munchies also. By this time next year, sober Americans who eat right and exercise will be demonized for not paying their fair share.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating was twenty-six percent Wednesday after he signed a budget leaving no one happy. Hollywood really spoiled him. If he had known he wasn't going to have script approval, he never would have gone into politics.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio