Argus Hamilton's column for 8-16-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Senator Arlen Specter was mauled at his third town hall in three days Thursday by hundreds of health care reform opponents. He got clobbered again for two hours. Every time he makes it out of the meeting on his feet, Michael Vick gives him a treat.

Tiger Woods called a press conference before the PGA Championship and proposed making golf an Olympic team sport. It could be a sign. America hasn't officially gone to hell in a handbasket until John Daly's photograph is on every box of Wheaties.

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin warned Burger King to lower the amount of salt in their food and to offer a healthier menu. There's a reason they want to get rid of Burger King. It's the Home of the Whopper and the White House wants that title.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino paid for an assistant's wife's abortion after they had sex on a restaurant table. She tried to extort him for millions. Unlike other college coaches who warn players about life in the NBA, Rick Pitino teaches by example.

Joe the Plumber announced Thursday he will try to do stand-up comedy at a club in the nation's capital. He's entering the comedy club's annual Funniest Person in Washington contest. Whoever tells the funniest President Obama joke gets twenty years.

President Obama's job approval ratings fell to forty-seven percent on Thursday in the Rasmussen Poll. It's no secret why he's falling. The Chevrolet dealer in Washington just offered him a forty-five hundred dollar rebate for health care reform.

Hillary Clinton in Africa Thursday likened Nigeria's blood-soaked presidential election to the Florida recount nine years ago. Nigeria used death squads. They roamed the countryside looking for people who'd exceeded their health care allotment.

The White House was reported Thursday considering sending Guantanamo terrorist suspects to a Michigan prison in January. The detainees can't be sent anywhere but to a maximum security prison. The country club prisons only allow Protestants to join.

Exxon Mobil was fined six hundred thousand dollars Thursday for causing migratory birds to die by exposing them to production site chemicals. The oil company only killed eighty-five birds. You'd think they'd get some credit for saving eighty-five airliners.

The Weather Channel aired footage of wildfires in Northern California Thursday which threatened the redwood forest. Three firefighters were overcome by the smoke from burning marijuana plants. They were treated and released at the nearest 7-Eleven.

The White House was accused Thursday of deliberately causing a sugar shortage by maintaining import quotas. Americans pay more for sugar than anybody else in the world. However, if you take Eliot Spitzer out of the average it's really not that bad.

The White House signaled Thursday that President Obama might retreat on health care reform and could possibly drop the public insurance plan. The retreat came just in time. President Obama was about to go to Montana and Colorado for town hall meetings and he did not want to make any unscheduled stop at the Little Big Horn.

The Washington Post said Thursday Dick Cheney will unload on President Bush in his memoir for going too soft against terrorism in the last year. He can only blame himself. While Dick Cheney was looking out the window for terrorists with nuclear weapons the American people were attacked by sub-prime mortgages and by french fries.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio