Argus Hamilton's column for 8-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Joan Rivers was subjected to a celebrity roast on Comedy Central Sunday in New York. It was vicious, personal and devastating. When she signed up for President Obama's mandatory end-of-life counseling, she didn't know she was going to get dinner.

Mark Lester, child star of the movie musical Oliver, said Monday he's the biological father of close friend Michael Jackson's children. For the sake of the Jackson Three let's hope they're his kids and not Dr. Klein's. Nobody ever paid a nickel to watch a dermatologist dance.

The London Mirror identified a Florida doctor who began giving Michael Jackson Depo Provera ten years ago. The drug is used to suppress aberrant sexual behavior. If they put it in the water coolers on Capitol Hill, it could save a lot of careers.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford's wife Jenny moved out of the governor's mansion Monday carrying her bags and hauling armloads of clothes still on hangers. Onlookers cheered. The idea of seceding from the union is picking up steam every day.

President Obama attended a North American summit in Mexico Monday. He addressed illegal immigration. He apologized to Mexico for the U.S. causing the problem by being such a desirable place to live and he's working as hard as he can to turn that around.

General Motors announced Monday that GM plans to sell new cars on the Internet to customers out in California. That's the logical place for the test program to start. California is millions of miles closer to cyberspace than the rest the country.

Hillary Clinton snapped at a Congolese student Monday who asked her what her husband thought about a Chinese loan to Congo. It hasn't dawned on her. One day she'll wake up and realize that nobody's ever lined up in August to tour Priscilla Presley's home.

Nancy Pelosi compared foes of health care reform to Hitler, which prompted Rush Limbaugh to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. They sound like toddlers. Sometimes you just want to pat them both on the head and say if they behave they can both be Hitler.

President Obama flew to the Mexican border city of Guadalajara for a summit on Monday. The city has become a lawless hellhole. The meeting was held in Guadalajara because the Secret Service couldn't guarantee his safety at a town hall meeting in Kansas City.

President Obama told Mexico's leaders Monday that immigration reform will have to wait in line behind health care reform. Good thinking. If he offers free health care at the same time he offers illegal immigrants a path to citizenship, the population explosion will make the miracle of the loaves and fishes look like food hoarding.

The Department of Health reported that the use of anti-depressants by Americans has doubled over the last ten years. The government missed all the signs. When McDonald's began selling Happy Meals for Adults the FDA should have checked the recipe.

The American Association of Retired Persons suffered defections this week over health care reform. Retirees on both sides of the issue are furious. You can see by looking at them that they have been accustomed to affordable drugs since Woodstock.

Mexican drug gangs were reported Monday stealing oil from Mexico pipelines and smuggling the oil across the border. It's easy to smuggle. They melt the oil down to powder form, then dye the powder white, and the border patrol just waves it through.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio