Argus Hamilton's column for 8-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit on Thursday when a Nairobi man offered her forty goats and forty cows for Chelsea's hand in marriage. Of course she wouldn't consider it. One more goat in the family is the last thing Hillary needs.

Bill Clinton arrived at the White House Thursday to report on his meeting with North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il. The former president gave a secret report to national security officials. He was debriefed in the Situation Room and not for the first time.

Squeaky Fromme was ordered out of prison this week after thirty-four years. The Charles Manson disciple shot at President Ford. She’s out because the parole board ruled she is the only woman who can replace Paula Abdul on American Idol.

The Cash for Clunkers program was voted more money in the Senate Thursday. The program has no opportunity for fraud. The clunkers will be destroyed and not be sold off to Mexican car brokers for fast and ready cash, you have a car dealer's word on it.

The Weather Channel said Thursday the Eastern Seaboard had the coldest July in recorded history. In two years some of the East Coast and most of the West Coast could be under water. As if you don't already owe more on your house than it is worth.

Twitter went down Thursday after its web site was bombarded by hackers. People were unable to type in every little thing they were doing to their followers. The hackers were believed to be train passengers who believed they were too young to die.

Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming reported a record high number of visitors during the month of July. It's like the Oklahoma land rush. Everybody sees that legalization is coming and the race is on to claim a pot farm before they're all gone.

Dallas Cowboys officials gave the press a tour of the luxury suites in the new stadium. Occupants watching the game can order a cheese pizza for sixty dollars. As soon as the Post Office starts delivering something, the cost doubles every two years.

L.A. police chief Bill Bratton resigned Wednesday to join a firm that will train police in Iraq and Afghanistan. He’s cleaned up New York, Boston and Los Angeles. He is going to keep moving until he can find a place where he can sell his screenplay.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Thursday that health care reform agitators are showing up at town hall meetings wearing swastikas. Little did she know that those were her supporters. She had no idea Germany was the first country with universal health care.

Roll Call discovered that Congress added two Gulfstream jets to the Pentagon's order for one of them in the Defense Bill submitted to the House Ways and Means Committee. Why shouldn't members of Congress travel in luxury? They're auto executives.

President Obama’s job approval rating kept sliding in the Quinnipiac Poll last week. A breakdown of the numbers gave the president a nasty surprise. It turns out that Independents favor change just as long as it doesn’t alter the status quo.

The U.S. Senate debated the merits of Sonia Sotomayor’s Supreme Court nomination Thursday before confirming her. La Raza threatened to destroy any senator who voted against her and the National Rifle Association threatened to destroy any senator who voted for her. These Battle of the Alamo re-enactments get more and more realistic every year.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio