Argus Hamilton's column for 7-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Health News magazine reported Tuesday that fertility clinics have been swamped this month by men and women who are eager to sell their sperm and eggs. It's the recession. The rush is on to have children who can inherit Michael Jackson's fortune.

Michael Jackson's daughter Paris completely stole the show Tuesday with a tearful and heartfelt tribute to her dad. Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Jennifer Hudson could only watch. The lesson of Michael Jackson's life is that a ten-year-old can upstage anybody.

Los Angeles police said Tuesday that six hundred people turned out on the street for Michael Jackson, instead of the quarter million they expected. They based their estimate on the crowds that turned out for Princess Diana's funeral and Elvis Presley's funeral. Now we know the secret to crowd control is child molestation.

Michael Jackson's family motorcade to Forest Lawn's chapel Tuesday shut down the Ventura Freeway during morning rush hour. The motorcade consisted of five Rolls-Royces trailed by four Bentleys and six Jaguars. Even Motown won't buy an American car.

Magic Johnson got huge laughs at the Staples Center memorial Tuesday recounting how much Michael Jackson loved to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was a great plug for the restaurant. The autopsy showed that he wasn't obese and his arteries were fine.

Al Sharpton told the crowd Tuesday that Michael Jackson's crossover popularity made the careers of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods possible and elected Barack Obama. It was a stunning speech. Millions of Michael Jackson's younger fans had no idea he was black.

Michael Jackson's family reportedly kept secret his actual burial site and sent a decoy casket to Forest Lawn in Hollywood. The place makes special accommodations for stars. They offer the deceased perpetual care and a twenty-four hour answering service.

Michael Jackson's family was reported to be planning a tour where he'll perform with his brothers as a hologram. The technology allows engineers in the booth to control a star's entire performance. President Obama's handlers think it could replace the TelePrompter.

House Democrats started pushing a second stimulus spending bill Monday despite bond market worries about the growing national debt. It doesn't worry Democrats at all. Their idea of meeting the needs of a growing population is to widen the doors.

Walter Mondale walked Al Franken to the Senate for his swearing-in Tuesday. He lost a presidential race and a Senate election. Walter Mondale once said there is no place for God in politics and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

Al Gore declared Monday that global warming is as big a threat to the world as Nazi Germany was. He wants the whole world to do whatever he says is necessary. It's a good thing Tipper forced him to shave off that little mustache he was growing.

General Motors was carved up by a judge Tuesday, giving taxpayers sixty percent ownership of the automaker. The government owns a car company. Now no one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation.

The FBI said Tuesday that mortgage fraud is rampant and growing across America today. It's a major problem in Southern California. There are some beautiful homes in Los Angeles that are built on bluffs, because nobody ever asks to see a tax return.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio