Argus Hamilton's column for 7-5-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arizona lawmakers passed a bill Thursday that allows people to carry concealed guns where alcohol is sold. It got ugly fast. The next night the biggest fool in Arizona walked onstage at the Improv in Scottsdale and opened with a Dick Cheney joke.

The Staples Center is scheduled to host Michael Jackson's funeral Tuesday after Ringling Brothers agreed to delay its set-up. The parallels are eerie. The circus tigers are tranquilized as they're led in, which by coincidence is how Michael Jackson was led out.

Michael Jackson has sold a record-shattering three million song downloads from the Internet since he died. His CDs have all sold out. The next time there's a wild rumor that Paul McCartney is dead, he's going to stay out of sight for a week and rake it in.

The Drug Enforcement Agency was summoned Thursday to help in the investigation of Michael Jackson's unexpected death last week. The entire story is bizarre and chaotic. No one even believed he was dead until Al Sharpton showed up in Los Angeles.

Academy Award winner Karl Malden died at home in Brentwood Tuesday. His death closely followed the deaths of David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Harve Presnell, Fred Travalena, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. When President Obama called for stimulus projects that are shovel ready, he didn't mean that he wanted three celebrity funerals a week.

North Korea fired four missiles into the Sea of Japan Wednesday which Pentagon experts warned could be practice shots for the South Pacific. Conservatives worry. A long-range missile could threaten Bikini Island, where Fox News raises TV reporters.

George W. Bush enjoyed himself at an Oklahoma appearance on July Fourth. It was nice to get some respect for a change. Last year he was the most powerful man in the world, and last month he couldn't get into Applebee's because he wasn't on the list.

Trojan condoms ran a survey which shows that Houston residents lead the nation in sex. It said they have sex over a hundred times a year. Times are so tough that women will now sleep with you to use your employee discount card at the gas station.

Governor Mark Sanford's wife Jenny forgave him Friday for cheating on her with his Argentine lover. She's independently wealthy from her father's tool company. That'll help her repair her marriage because her husband definitely has a screw loose.

South Carolina investigators cleared Governor Sanford of financial wrongdoing Thursday during his adultery jaunts. No surprise. This is the time of year when investigators nationwide showcase for scouts from the Securities and Exchange Commission.

President Obama admitted in an AP interview Thursday that the availability of great pie from the White House pastry chef is putting weight on him. It's going to help his credibility. Americans won't believe he's quit smoking until he puts on ten pounds.

Michelle Obama's White House garden was found Friday to contain high amounts of lead. She's been growing and harvesting vegetables with local schoolkids. Parents demanded the soil testing after the asparagus on the dinner table kept pointing north.

Saddam Hussein said in FBI interviews released Thursday he hid the fact he had no WMDs because he didn't want Iran to think he was weak. His goal was to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons, prevent Iran infiltrating Iraq, and eliminate al-Qaeda in the region. He was hanged two years ago for smoking in a government building.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio