Argus Hamilton's column for 7-31-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama pushed tirelessly for health care reform at town hall meetings all week. He has great confidence in his people skills. He just invited Osama bin Laden and Rudy Giuliani to have a beer at the White House to settle their differences.

President Obama held a truce parley between the black professor and the Boston cop Thursday. None of the three were willing to apologize. They couldn't agree on anything until Obama finally persuaded them to issue a joint statement blaming Israel.

President Obama served Bud Light at the sit-down between the Boston cop and the professor. Wise choice of beers. The cop likes Blue Moon and the professor likes Red Stripe, but nothing would be gained by getting the Crips and the Bloods involved.

Barack Obama discussed the arrest with the cop and the professor Thursday. All three feel a little guilty. The professor berated the cop, the president said the cop acted stupidly, and the cop is leading Mitt Romney in New Hampshire by ten points.

The White House researched the ancestry of Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates Wednesday and found they both descend from the same fourth-century Irish warlord. Homeland Security is way out of control. Now you're not allowed in the White House until they have done a background check on you all the way back to the fourth century.

The Hollywood Wax Museum opened Tuesday where customers were encouraged to hug and kiss their favorite stars. The figures are incredibly true-to-life. They're made out of the same wax, plastic and silicone that real celebrities are made out of.

Hillary Clinton vowed Sunday the U.S. will apply harsh economic pressure on Iran to restrict their nuclear plans. We must be careful. If we slap a food embargo on Iran, the Iranian people won't be fat enough to be considered an enemy of health care reform.

President Obama flew to Raleigh on Wednesday to push health care reform before a crowd in North Carolina. The town hall meeting was just an excuse to go there. As an observant smoker he's required to make a pilgrimage to tobacco country once a year.

Congressman Henry Waxman and White House aide Rahm Emanuel kept Blue Dog Democrats up all night Wednesday trying to get them to back health care. Sleep deprivation usually works. However, the Blue Dogs didn't crack until they were forced to strip naked and form a human pyramid.

Congress considered a health care bill provision Tuesday which bans primetime commercials for sex pills on TV. Great idea. Kids should be allowed to enjoy the magic of childhood without wondering why adults need a pill to help them run up stairs.

Buick withdrew as a sponsor of the PGA Tour Tuesday after twenty-five years of being the official car of the PGA. The timing is terrible. Now that Tiger Woods has a wife and two kids and really needs a Buick, he's stuck driving around in a Maserati.

Joe Biden called Russia a fading power due to shrinking population Sunday. The solution is to swap Mexico for Azerbaijan. It'd give Russia lots of population and America a country on our southern border that would get the border fence fully funded.

Congress considered a two hundred percent tax hike on liquor Monday. They also want to tax sugary drinks and high-fat foods and snacks. If we could just figure out a way to tax sex we could get back some of the salary we're paying these congressmen.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio