Argus Hamilton's column for 7-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosts Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Boston cop James Crowley for a beer at the White House tonight. Let's hope they put away the breakables. Tempers are going to flare when the cop asks the president for his birth certificate.

The White House proposed a tax Monday on Botox and cheek implants and eyelifts and facelifts and collagen shots. It's not fair because people use plastic surgery to get jobs. Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House and she has been dead for ten years.

House Democrats were swamped by protests against a health care provision which could deny treatment to seniors while providing care for illegal aliens. That's the least of its problems. The health care bill will be signed by a president who smokes, supervised by a Surgeon General who is obese, and paid for by a country that is broke.

Pacific Ocean storms propelled twenty-foot-high waves onto Southern California beaches over the weekend. It's very expensive. Every time a wave washes over a house the homeowner gets fined for watering the lawn on a day other than Monday or Thursday.

Michael Jackson was reported Tuesday to have died from the anesthesia Propofol. It causes euphoria followed by sleep. It's unknown in L.A. because it's hard to trick a woman in a bar into putting that big mask over her face and counting backward from a hundred.

Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated into the National Football League on Monday. He really misread the public. Americans were dead set against the idea of invading Iraq until Colin Powell told the U.N. that Saddam Hussein was arranging dogfights.

Fox News reported a fifty percent leap in ratings Monday. They had the top ten shows on cable and now their viewership is even higher. The idea of combining beauty queens who read the news with political commentators still loyal to King George III has turned out to be the most successful formula since Coca-Cola had cocaine in it.

The Department of Transportation released a study Tuesday showing that texting while driving is as dangerous as drunk driving. It makes sense. Once you put on your reading glasses to see those tiny little keys, you can't see out the windshield.

President Obama met with seniors in Washington D.C. Tuesday. He said health care reform will give everyone everything they want and save them money. You knew when Billy Mays died somebody would rush in front of the cameras and try to get the OxyClean gig.

Former Senator Larry Craig started a consulting firm in Washington to advise clients on energy. His skills are much in demand in the energy business. Oil executives have to communicate with foot signals so that Democrats don't find out what they are doing.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor passed a committee vote Tuesday and looked to be headed for Senate confirmation next week. She'll be considered the first Hispanic justice because liberals don't count Justice Benjamin Cardozo. His ancestor was a Spanish Conquistador, which gets you even fewer diversity points than being a Custer.

Senator Harry Reid wrote a letter to the White House Monday demanding that Las Vegas be removed from the blacklist of government meeting and convention sites. All he wants is consistency. If they ban every meeting site that celebrates reckless overspending and prostitution, the U.S. Capitol will have to be padlocked by the sheriff.

The New York Times reports Dick Cheney tried seven years ago to send U.S. troops to Buffalo to arrest terror suspects, but President Bush wouldn't hear of it. The former president now looks wise and cautious. At the rate George W. Bush's reputation is improving, who knows, in three years Jeb Smith might be able to run for president under his real name.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio