Argus Hamilton's column for 7-26-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow told reporters Thursday he's a virgin and he's saving himself for marriage. That's a smart guy. He's a full year away from being an NFL quarterback and already he's organizing his defense for the rape charges.

Ben Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel concierge Monday for sexually assaulting her in his hotel room last summer. She didn't file a police report because she was afraid she would get fired and never find another job. Even if she's lying she deserves credit for being the only analyst in America who saw the recession coming.

Manny Ramirez homered on Manny Ramirez Bobblehead Doll Night at Dodger Stadium Wednesday. The first pitch was thrown out by Cheech of Cheech and Chong. If that wasn't enough, God Bless America was sung during the seventh inning stretch by Pablo Escobar.

Hillary Clinton told North Koreans Friday to end their nuclear program because they are friendless. They responded by calling her an unintelligent schoolgirl. She's not of course, but she plays one twice a week to keep the spice in her marriage.

Wall Street crook Bernie Madoff was hauled to federal prison in North Carolina Monday. He was put to work in the prison's printing and engraving shop. We knew the federal government was printing money but we didn't know they were using convict labor.

Walter Cronkite's funeral was held at St. Bartholomew's Church Thursday. It was very traditional. In the Episcopal liturgy the funeral service ends with a hymn, which is followed by a benediction, which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.

The Dow Jones closed over nine thousand Thursday on news that President Obama's health industry takeover had stalled. The Dow goes up as the president's approval ratings fall. The day his birth certificate shows up it'll close at fourteen thousand.

Taco Bell revealed Friday its famous former commercial star Gidget the Talking Chihuahua has died at the age of fifteen following a stroke. This story isn't over. The ASPCA just found hospital-grade anesthesia and an IV stand next to the doggie bed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger caused a ruckus from animal rights activists by wielding a huge hunting knife while touting budget cuts. People don't mind back in his L.A. neighborhood. How much trouble can an actor with a hunting knife cause in Brentwood?

President Obama accused Cambridge cops of stupidity Wednesday for arresting a black Harvard professor who verbally abused cops when they answered a burglary call at his house. The arresting cop gives lectures at the local police academy on how to avoid race profiling. Whenever your jokes get stale you have to go out and get new material.

President Obama accused doctors Wednesday of giving tonsillectomies to children who don't need them. He chided doctors for removing body parts for cash. President Obama needs to make up his mind, he either wants people to buy new cars or he doesn't.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heckled by taxpayers at a town hall meeting for supporting socialism. What does she expect? This country is so capitalistic that we capture Somali pirates and put them to work on Wall Street.

Ford Motors ignited a stock market rally Thursday by posting a two billion dollar second quarter profit. They took no bailout money and sold big, fast cars. If things keep going the way they are going for President Obama, he might have to join a church.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio