Argus Hamilton's column for 7-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Tom Watson missed a putt on the final hole to lose the British Open Sunday. It hurts. Normally when a sixty-year-old goes after something he's too old to win he offers to pay its rent and lease it a car, but this time there were too many witnesses.

The White House welcomed Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins on the moon landing's fortieth anniversary. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stepped onto the moon while Collins remained inside. In every group somebody has to play Ringo.

Michael Jackson's family was reported Monday to be planning to make Neverland a West Coast version of Graceland. Elvis only made it to forty-two, while Jackson made it to fifty. This is evidence you should never mix sleeping pills with fried peanut butter.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince set box office records Sunday. American kids love the battle between Good and Evil with the British starring as Good. Could multi-culturalism be the next huge star from the Seventies and Eighties to die?

San Francisco was the scene of a commuter train crash Saturday, spilling people and rail cars onto the roadbed. It's the fifth commuter rail crash in the last year in America. We are now tied with Iran for the most number of deaths due to Twittering.

Hillary Clinton apologized in India Monday for America's prime role in causing global warming. They just ignored her. If Hillary Clinton could control emissions, there would not have been a blue dress and there would never have been an impeachment.

President Obama is described by his Secret Service agents as a constant smoker in a new book released Monday. Our last three presidents have included a womanizer, a smoker and a drinker. It just shows that it takes three presidents to replace Lyndon Johnson.

President Obama holds a primetime press conference tonight to keep promoting his health care reform proposal. He has got to stop calling for more sacrifices. Goats are becoming endangered as Americans try everything to appease the God of Jobs.

The Pentagon added thousands of troops for deployment overseas Monday. They're having a hard time finding enough soldiers to send to Afghanistan. Every time one of them asks to see the president's birth certificate, they have to cancel his orders.

Senator Ted Kennedy admitted Monday that health care reform will lead to health care rationing. His declaration may be the last nail in the box for health care reform. Everyone is shocked to learn that the latest treatment for brain tumors is truth serum.

Columbia University published an environmental health study Monday saying that polluted air leads to lower IQs for children. Smog makes kids less smart. So if you don't want to be corrected by your six-year-old on facts and opinions you've held all your life, move your family to Los Angeles and sign your kids up for track and field.

California officials said Friday they could raise a billion dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. It could save the airline industry. Flights leaving the state could sell candy bars for a hundred dollars and people would pay it.

Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church over its refusal to ordain women and its teaching that women must be subservient to their husbands. Now he belongs to no church at all. The similarities between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter get scarier every day.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio