Argus Hamilton's column for 7-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Walter Cronkite was eulogized as America's greatest news anchor on Friday when he died at age ninety-two. His was the twelfth celebrity death in three weeks. The only explanation is that the world is experiencing an outbreak of swine fame disease.

Elizabeth Taylor left the hospital Saturday after undergoing treatment for her grief over Michael Jackson's death. She spent two weeks under heavy sedation. That is not so much a tribute to Michael Jackson as it is an impression of Michael Jackson.

Tom Watson thrilled the golf world Saturday by seizing the third round lead in the British Open at Turnberry. The joy was short-lived. After Tiger Woods missed the cut, Judge Sonia Sotomayor ruled that the cut was flawed and should be tossed out.

John Daly shot his way into contention at the British Open Friday as the crowd in Scotland went wild. He's good at thinking ahead. Before his flight to Scotland he remembered to pack a case of Miller Lite, and that was for the trip to the airport.

Hollywood movie star James Caviezel suffered cuts and bruises when a man threw a bicycle into the path of his motorcycle in Seattle. The actor who starred in The Passion of the Christ is refusing to forgive him. He doesn't want to get typecast.

President Obama used his radio address on Saturday to try to salvage his goal of passing health care reform. Support is collapsing on Capitol Hill as the lawmakers read the fine print. The only part of his plan that isn't communist pays for abortions.

The White House urged Congress Saturday to pass a health plan that insures all Americans. The need is growing. A health report Friday shows that thirty percent of Americans are attached to a machine at home which keeps them alive, the refrigerator.

Britain's National Health Service urged schools to teach English children that sex is pleasurable and fun. Government health care takes the fun out of everything. Little children who want to play doctor have to wait two years to make an appointment.

The National Governors Conference was held in Biloxi last weekend but economic woes kept thirty governors at home. It just is not a good time for governors to travel. No matter where you go, voters think you're in Argentina seeing your mistress.

Hillary Clinton flew to India and Thailand and Indonesia Saturday. It's labeled a state visit but it's more like a scavenger hunt. She's quietly offering a twenty-five million dollar reward for a certified copy of the president's birth certificate.

The Treasury Department tried Thursday to hire contractors who could conduct Humor in the Workplace seminars. They refused to allow ethnic jokes, sex jokes, President Obama jokes or jokes on the U.S. government. They were forced to cancel the contract when the only comedian who met the requirements was sworn in as senator from Minnesota.

Dan Quayle was interviewed by the Associated Press Saturday in the Nevada town of Stateline. He's a casualty of the Internet age. Ten years ago Dan Quayle was heir to a vast chain of newspapers and today he's a greeter at the Buffalo Bill Casino.

The White House ordered fifteen hundred National Guard troops to the San Diego border Saturday. Drug smuggling, gun smuggling and immigrant smuggling are rampant. The drug and gun smuggling are highly profitable but the immigrant smuggling doesn't make any sense unless they are simply staying in practice for when we have jobs again.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio