Argus Hamilton's column for 7-19-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama refused Senate pleas Friday to tax company-paid health benefits to pay for health care reform. This leaves only tax hikes. If health care reform was any more dead the Jackson family would be pushing it around Los Angeles in a gold box.

French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced tennis's tribunal that the only reason he tested positive for cocaine was that he kissed a girl in a club. It's all too common. Alex Rodriguez didn't really take steroids, he got it from kissing the mirror.

Madonna's stage collapsed in Marseilles on Thursday right before she arrived for a concert. You can bet that it wasn't her mistake. When your act includes a number where you're crucified on a giant cross, you make sure the carpenter is a union guy with seniority.

NASA admitted Friday that they erased the videotapes of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon. It happened during the Seventies. Richard Nixon ordered all the tapes erased and just his luck, they missed the ones he was really concerned about.

The Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C. will be put up for auction on Tuesday. Richard Nixon resigned over the burglary there and Monica Lewinsky later lived there. This is the only hotel in the world that names the banquet halls after impeachment lawyers.

Episcopal bishops voted Thursday to allow the blessing of same-sex unions just a day after they okayed gay bishops. It didn't end there. Clergy must now enter the sanctuary dressed as either a fireman, a cop, an Indian chief or a construction worker.

General Motors executive Bob Lutz complained Tuesday that GM no longer hires hot-looking blondes to be auto show models. He's had enough. He's tired of having to beg Fox News to do live remotes from the trade show floor just to get some beautiful women next to his cars.

The Sears Tower in Chicago was renamed Willis Tower on Thursday. Only the sign changes. Locals still call Cellular Field Comiskey Park, they still call Macy's Marshall Field's, and they will still call the Willis Tower the next place they strike.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate her favorite show growing up was Perry Mason. He got a different client off for murder every week. It was also O.J. Simpson's favorite show growing up, proving that no one can predict the influence of a TV show.

New Haven fireman Frank Ricci testified against Sonia Sotomayor on Thursday. He was the victim of her reverse discrimination. She thinks when whites are denied promotion it's fairness, when blacks are denied promotion it's racism, and when Hispanics are denied promotion it's Republicans denying the president the nominee of his choice.

Michael Jackson has sold nine million CDs since his death. That's what a week of free TV coverage will do for you. Somewhere in paradise Princess Diana is kicking herself for not marketing a line of perfume and jeans before she got in the limousine.

Michael Jackson's death was investigated as a possible murder by the L.A. police Friday. They are looking at the cardiologist who administered the fatal dose of anesthesia. Homicide charges are unlikely, but date rape cannot be entirely ruled out.

California officials said Friday they could raise a billion and a half dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. This could start something. If they legalize cocaine they could balance the budget from the revenue they'd make from speeding tickets and the money they'd save from nobody living past the age of sixty.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio