Argus Hamilton's column for 7-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Lance Armstrong cycled into contention in the Tour de France Monday in the two-week bicycle race. The crowds cheer his triumph over cancer. Testicular problems nearly ended his career, making him eligible for a U.S. Senate pension after he retires.

St. Louis hosted the All-Star Game Tuesday with President Obama there. Security was tight. They used facial recognition software to keep lawbreakers from entering the ballpark, but since smoking is not a crime yet President Obama was able to get in.

President Obama threw out the first pitch in St. Louis on Tuesday. Practice is the key. After September 11th, President Bush fired a perfect strike at Yankee Stadium, but when it came time to hit the country that attacked us, he missed high and outside.

Stan Musial met President Obama on the field in St. Louis Tuesday, which protected the president from being booed. Was this wise? Just a few years after Ted Williams did the very same thing for President George H.W. Bush in San Diego, he was beheaded and frozen.

President Obama was joined on-camera Tuesday by Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush in a pre-game tribute. The five of them in one sequence made quite a sight. World Series of Poker analysts said if they were cards, you'd fold.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor was grilled by Senate Republicans Tuesday for saying wise Latinas make better judges than white men. They should toast her nomination. White men are now a minority for the first time since the landing at Jamestown and we are gong to need a liberal activist judge to protect us from the twenty-first century.

President Obama's health care reform bill drew outraged howls from Republicans Tuesday. He's clearly a socialist. Judging from the latest quarterly earnings report, he's trying to redistribute all of America's wealth equally between Goldman and Sachs.

President Obama's Teleprompter fell over and crashed Monday during his speech in Washington D.C. Glass shattered all over the floor in mid-speech. Now he's under tremendous pressure from the unions to retrain autoworkers to become cue card holders.

The Washington Post said Monday that White House staffers work from six in the morning to ten at night seven days a week to push the president's agenda. That's perfect. Where else but in America could our first black president be a slave-driver?

The Globe reported Monday that George W. Bush has been suffering in Dallas from shocking memory lapses which are beginning to alarm his family. It should alarm all Republicans. There is a right time and a wrong time to make Ronald Reagan your role model.

Michael Jackson's life insurers refused to pay his twenty million dollar policy Tuesday. They say his drug use amounted to suicide, which isn't covered. Joe Jackson just promised to whip all his surviving children until one of them confesses to murder.

Joe Jackson began pushing his family Monday to get Michael's three kids to form the Jackson Three. The only thing that outweighs the horribleness of this idea is its financial possibilities. Satan just called Joe Jackson to concede the election.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opened, in which he duels Lord Voldemort and Malfoy and Lestrange. The series teaches British and American kids a centuries-old lesson. Love comes and love goes, but people with French names are out to kill you.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio