Argus Hamilton's column for 7-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was photographed Thursday admiring the rear end of a Brazilian girl at the Group of Eight summit in Italy. She's sixteen. He met with the pope one hour later, a move which efficiency experts describe as fixing the problem right away.

President Obama got a hero's welcome in Ghana, where people beat drums along his motorcade route. His head is swelling. That night his wife invited him to go out on the hotel room balcony with her, but he turned her down saying they'd just want a speech.

President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game tonight in St. Louis. He could get booed. Robin Hood lived to a ripe old age because he had the sense not to stand in the middle of a baseball stadium in Missouri and raise taxes.

Prince Charles gave a speech in London Friday saying capitalism and consumerism has ruined the world. He said the age of convenience is over. Most parents can't fathom the idea of outliving their children but Queen Elizabeth says it has to be done.

Forest Lawn Cemetery camouflaged the crypt where Michael Jackson's gold-plated casket is being stored. They're worried about grave robbers. The crypt is right next to Liberace's tomb and rumors still persist that he was buried with his diamonds.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi declined Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee's request Thursday to introduce a congressional resolution honoring Michael Jackson as an American legend. Enough's enough. The Pentagon's already named the Predator after him.

Michael Jackson's family debated whether to make Neverland Ranch a shrine. Six hundred thousand Elvis fans pay to tour Graceland each year. Paul McCartney just announced he wants to be buried at whichever one of his homes is nearest a hub airport.

Dearly Departed Tours in Hollywood added a hundred new bus tours Wednesday to bring tourists to Michael Jackson's death site in Holmby Hills. Celebrity deaths are good for the California economy, for hotel occupancy, TV ratings and now vehicle sales. If a bomb fell on Hollywood right now it could pull us out of the Depression.

General Motors vowed Friday to build cars Americans want to buy as GM emerged from bankruptcy. Democrats are livid. There's a waiting list for the super-fast Camaro, which emits a cloud of carbon dioxide that spells out Our Planet, Our Rules.

House Chairman Charlie Rangel is proposing a tax hike on upper incomes to fund universal health care. Upper-income Americans already work four months a year for the government. Government employees don't work four months a year for the government.

NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield won a judge's stay of his suspension for testing positive for amphetamine use on the track Thursday. NASCAR fans love the bad boy image. If this doesn't pick up the TV ratings they're going to try drive-by shootings.

The White House issued a report Friday saying that a record twenty-six percent of all Americans are obese. Fat is a national threat. More and more families are having to face the difficult decision of whether to pull the plug on the refrigerator.

North Korea launched a cyber attack Friday on the Pentagon and White House and State Department computers. It didn't take investigators long to detect the culprit. The FBI knew the virus came from North Korea when its electricity went off at sundown.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio