Argus Hamilton's column for 7-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Senate begins hearings today for Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court. She's said her experiences as a Latina woman make her a better judge than a white male. She would never have asked Miss USA if she was in favor of gay marriage.

Las Vegas was reported Thursday offering astoundingly low hotel room rates due to the recession. Sixty hotels are offering rooms for twenty dollars a night. If this had happened two years ago, O.J. Simpson could have been arrested at a much nicer hotel.

The White House issued a health report Friday showing that a record twenty-six percent of Americans are obese. The main problem is that in America you can get something to eat twenty-four hours a day. All you need to have is money or a pistol.

Tennessee Titan legend Steve McNair was was buried in Nashville Thursday. It's an old story. While cheating on his wife, he was shot and killed in his sleep by one of the two women he was seeing, or as it's called in Washington D.C., natural causes.

Michael Jackson's family petitioned Santa Barbara County Thursday to allow the late superstar to be buried at Neverland Ranch. That would be fitting. Neverland Ranch is the only wildlife refuge that has both a petting zoo and a heavy petting zoo.

The Los Angeles Coroner subpoenaed all medical records from Michael Jackson's doctors Friday. Police found Percocet, Demerol, Oxycontin, Propofol, Diprivan and an IV stand in his home. He may have died due to a bad reaction to food and water.

Motown founder Barry Gordy allowed Michael Jackson's body to be stored in his Forest Lawn crypt temporarily. He rests in a row of ornate crypts between Bette Davis and Liberace. He died as he lived, unable to qualify for a mortgage and stuck in a rental.

The Pentagon was asked by military health officials Tuesday to ban all tobacco use by all U.S. military personnel. Great idea. We could save free enterprise if we make the commander-in-chief choose between smoking a cigarette and staying in office.

President Obama ended his week overseas with a stop in Ghana Friday. It's been a hectic trip. His last stop before Ghana was at Vatican City in Rome, where President Obama played Pope Benedict in the World Series of holier-than-thou attitudes.

Pope Benedict lectured President Obama on reproductive rights Friday. The pope opposes birth control, abortion and stem-cell research. He used to be opposed to surrogate mothers until he decided it was too much paperwork to excommunicate Mary.

President Obama was caught by a photographer on Thursday admiring the rear end of a pretty junior delegate to the G-8 Summit. They have a lot in common. She's Brazilian, and by coincidence that's how much he wants to spend on universal health care.

Southern Methodist officials asked George Bush not to display Saddam Hussein's pistol at his library Friday. It was the only WMD found in Iraq. Imagine President Bush's sense of agony when he squeezed the trigger and water came squirting out of it.

Nevada U.S. Senator John Ensign's parents gave his married lover ninety-six thousand dollars to go away and sent her a severence letter with the cash. This makes the adultery official. Under Nevada law, it's not sex unless you pay for it.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio