Argus Hamilton's column for 7-12-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson was reported Thursday to have been taking Demerol and Dilaudid and Xanax and Paxil and Zoloft and Percodan on a regular basis. Don't fault him. He was just trying to show young people you don't have to do crack to have a good time.

Steve McNair was shot Saturday by his mistress, who'd walked into his condo and found him asleep after he'd been bar-hopping all morning. There's a lesson here for every pro athlete. Never drink so much that you are too weak to turn the deadbolt.

The U.S. government released a report Thursday saying that twenty-six percent of Americans are fully obese. You can see it at any airport. The only thing that's keeping the economy going is people buying larger sizes every three months at WalMart.

USA Today published data Thursday showing that states that voted for President Obama have gotten twice as much stimulus money as those which voted for McCain. It all balances out. Twice as many states that voted for McCain are talking secession.

Chicago cops began searching Tuesday for thieves who rob graves and resell the cemetery plots. Imagine the paperwork. Detectives must deploy magnetic imaging to determine whether a grave contains somebody registered to vote Democrat or Republican.

North Korea was suspected Tuesday of cyber-attacking the White House computer networks by launching what computer technicians call a denial of service attack. North Korea is in major trouble. Denny's had to pay a huge settlement for denial of service.

Los Angeles was rated the worst traffic in America by a government survey Thursday, followed by Washington D.C. It's the motorcades. L.A. edged out Washington D.C. on the final week of the survey because Michael Jackson was in town and Barack Obama was not.

President Obama sent his condolences from Italy to the Michael Jackson funeral Tuesday. He left strict instructions not to have Joe Biden speak in his place. Joe Biden would have stood onstage and consoled the Osmond family on their loss of Donny.

Michael Jackson's family hinted Thursday they may petition Santa Barbara County to bury him at Neverland. That would require a lot of permits. The last man buried on a private estate in California was Ronald Reagan, if you don't count the earthquakes.

Nancy Pelosi wouldn't allow a resolution honoring Michael Jackson on the House floor Thursday. That was wise. If the Democrats endorse Michael Jackson, Republicans will be able to womanize to their heart's content and still be the party of family values.

Iran was charged Tuesday with using beatings and sleep deprivation and violent interrogations on detainees who were arrested protesting for democracy. It's not all bad news. It appears that some of Dick Cheney's staff are no longer on unemployment.

President Obama apologized in Italy for America's failure to reduce our carbon dioxide output. If only Americans were willing to sit in the dark and starve, we'd be more like the Third World and less like Imperial Britain from which we were born. So far, the competition to host his presidential library is between Ethiopia and Syria.

Barack Obama made news Thursday by praising Italy's figurehead president for his personal morality. It was a dig at Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who's a bon vivant wine-loving billionaire and a womanizer. You can't imagine the fun a politician can have in a country where men go to confession every morning and get to start fresh.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio