Argus Hamilton's column for 7-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street con artist Bernie Madoff went to prison for life on Monday. He took money from new investors to pay old investors while investing none of it and skimming from the middle. His job in prison will be running the Social Security Administration.

Michael Jackson's autopsy was extended by L.A. coroners Friday. His doctors said he was on Vicodin, Paxil, Zoloft, Dilaudid, Xanax and Demerol. It's not possible he has gone to a better world, the best he could hope for would be a lateral transfer.

Michael Jackson's kids were the subject of court papers filed Monday. This is sure to set a legal precedent for guardianship of offspring from donor eggs and sperm. It's going to be a long drawn-out legal process before Pyrex gets custody of the children.

House Banking Chairman Barney Frank said Tuesday he'd like to spend TARP money to bail out California. It's bad. The state is twenty-four billion dollars over budget, and nobody believes the governor's assurance that we'll make it all back on DVD sales.

The White House revealed Monday that President Obama will vacation on Martha's Vineyard. His arrival on the island should cause quite a stir among the old New England families there. Until now their idea of a person of color was George Hamilton.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of white Boston firefighters who were refused promotion because they're white. It wasn't easy. They had to convince the court that not every white guy with a fire hose is trying to push back civil rights demonstrators.

General Motors reported great sales news Monday that GM's new Camaro is in huge demand. Buyers are paying three thousand dollars over sticker for the fast, high-powered sports car. Now that V-8 engines are against the law, everybody wants one.

Honduran generals staged a military coup and overthrew the country's socialist president, who was trying to cancel elections and rule by decree. There's a dispute in the State Department over whether to call it a coup. The generals told the guy to take a hike, so now everyone thinks he's seeing Mark Sanford's girlfriend in Argentina.

Governor Mark Sanford quoted the Bible while admitting an affair Friday. It's the sixth political sex scandal in a year. Who would have thought ten years ago that by now Bill Clinton would be the Lou Gehrig of marital fidelity among public figures?

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wouldn't resign Friday as he revealed his affair. He's still a social conservative. He began his political comeback Monday telling the Lions Club that adultery's a sacred institution between a man and a woman.

Michelle Obama was reported Thursday to be badgering the West Wing for more power and influence as a policymaker. The next day she gave California a hundred million dollars for community health centers. It's cheaper than flying her to Paris for dinner.

President Obama proposed new energy saving standards for lamps and light bulbs Monday. He wants low wattage. He'll never get it through Congress unless he slips it inside the health care bill as a way to make everyone look younger without surgery.

Senator James Inhofe cited EPA scientist Alan Carlin's new report Monday saying that global warming is not a crisis and that there's no reason to regulate carbon dioxide. The U.S. senator said the cap-and-trade climate bill is dead on arrival in the Senate. Their last chance of selling it to the American people just died with Billy Mays.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio