Argus Hamilton's column for 6-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama spoke in Normandy Saturday to mark the Allied landing on Omaha Beach on D-Day. The American assault force included no black people, no Asians and no Hispanics. Why the Germans were even shooting at us is a mystery to the president.

France welcomed the leaders of Britain, Canada and the U.S. for the sixty-fifth anniversary of D-Day. It's important. Every five years we have to remind France that we saved them, otherwise they won't let us go through their air space to bomb people.

Normandy was invaded by world leaders Saturday for the D-Day anniversary. What a story. The night before the invasion Ike told the GIs they were embarking on a Great Crusade, prompting Barack Obama to apologize to the Arab world for the D-Day invasion.

South Dakota rancher Neal Wanless won the Powerball Lottery Friday, winning two hundred thirty-two million dollars. He said he'll spend the money responsibly. If he sounded any less like an American he would never make it through airport security.

David Carradine was found hanged in a Bangkok hotel room Thursday by the hotel chambermaid. He strangled himself in a kinky sex act. It took the chambermaid an hour to convince the police she's a real chambermaid and not just dressed up like one.

Southern California coffee bars were reported Saturday hiring busty waitresses and having them wear bikinis as they serve customers. They are exploiting women's bodies in an effort to ride out the depression. The name of the coffee bar is Hoovers.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was furious Friday when photos surfaced of five young women sunbathing naked at his villa in Sardinia. He insists their relationship is not improper. He is seventy-two, and their combined age is seventy-two.

Senator Jeff Sessions said Saturday that Sonia Sotomayor won't be objective on the bench. He said America's tradition of an independent judiciary is under attack. It was the last Republican radio address before the Speech Czar takes office next week.

President Obama left his family in Paris Sunday and returned to Washington. He said he wanted put his personal touch on the health care legislation. That means getting every person to merge with Fiat, run on batteries, and bleed cash.

Roger Penske bought Saturn from GM on Friday, acquiring three hundred and fifty dealerships, but he will outsource the car manufacturing. That's a relief. The cars will be made overseas but the dealers will be American, so you can still be cheated.

The FBI arrested a couple who work for the State Department on Saturday for spying for Cuba for thirty years. They tipped off Castro every time the CIA had a new a plot to kill him. It turns out that espionage is the real secret to Cuba's health care success rate.

Israel rejected President Obama's call Friday to halt all West Bank settlement activity. Defiant Israeli settlers began building shacks they call Obama Huts. They think if they name them after Obama no one will have the nerve to foreclose on them.

The State Department said Friday it may send Al Gore to North Korea to discuss the release of two captured U.S. reporters who work for Al Gore's Current network. It's a real standoff. The women say they are journalists, North Korea says they are spies, and Al Gore says they are two more overseas votes that should have gone to him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio