Argus Hamilton's column for 6-7-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave a speech to the Muslim world from Cairo Thursday. Tension is high in the region. Muslims believe God's watching over them, Israelis believe God's watching over them, and Barack Obama just loves it when the kids fight over him.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor completed her background questionnaire for the Senate Thursday. Her nomination is crucial. President Obama is hopeful she will render the deciding vote when the case of Planet versus Whitey reaches the high court.

President Obama told Muslims any world order that elevates one nation or group above others must fail. This was clearly aimed at the U.S. and Britain. The rest of the world is tired of being background scenery for Shell's Wonderful World of Golf.

President Obama called for a brand-new start between the United States and the Muslim world. They should be wary. If Barack Obama succeeds in turning GM into an electric car company it could do more damage to the Arab world than the Third Crusade.

The Los Angeles Times reported Thursday a local woman was killed by a lightning bolt that tore off all her clothes. It was a lesson learned. If you drive a Smart Car to the beach, make sure your swimsuit is completely dry before you get in and start it.

Al-Qaeda was reported Wednesday to be planning an attack on the U.S. by bringing dangerous biological agents into the country from Tijuana. College boys have done this for years. What Kaopectate didn't neutralize, penicillin cleared up within a week.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught billing his own government ten thousand dollars to clean his apartment. It's a big misunderstanding. Just because you give someone in a French maid's outfit ten grand doesn't mean that the apartment got cleaned.

Bank of America said Thursday it may end its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic team and the Games. What a waste of ad money. They spent twenty million dollars to sponsor the Olympics, and the only product that got any publicity was a marijuana bong.

The Globe tabloid reported Tuesday that the mysterious death of Las Vegas comedian Danny Gans may have been due to years of secret steroid use. You can't blame a guy for trying. If steroids can turn fly balls into home runs, it's only logical they will turn chuckles into belly laughs.

President Obama flew into Paris on Friday. His Westin hotel is embroiled in a strike by janitors and maids. Hotel management personnel are cleaning the hotel rooms temporarily until President Obama flies in GM executives to take over for them.

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah introduced the U.S. government delegation to his royal family in Riyadh Thursday. They must be big baseball fans in the desert kingdom. A reporter overheard one of the wives asking the king if she was in tonight's line-up.

Newt Gingrich on Thursday retracted his statement calling Sonia Sotomayor a racist for saying that Latina women make better judges than white guys. The term racist has a pretty specific meaning and he knows it. Newt Gingrich represented rural Georgia in the Seventies and the jokes he had to pretend to enjoy to get elected would curl your hair.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor made the rounds in the Senate Thursday. She'd be the sixth Catholic on the Supreme Court. The Founding Fathers never thought that the Protestant liberties they established would result in a Catholic Supreme Court, a Muslim White House and a pagan Congress, all committed to maintaining Israel's right to exist.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio