Argus Hamilton's column for 6-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama played up his Muslim roots during his visit to the Middle East Thursday. It was over the top. Last night he went on television and promised that anyone who buys a General Motors car will be greeted by seventy-two virgins in heaven.

Ronald Reagan's statue went up in the Capitol Wednesday in front of a painting of Columbus landing in America. There's a big difference between Columbus in America and Reagan at Warner Brothers. Columbus had to kill all his Indians in the first take.

Prince Charles agreed to go to Normandy for the D-Day ceremony after the Queen was left off France's guest list. She served in uniform as a military truck driver during World War II. She had the only military truck with two footmen and four horses.

Prince Harry angered sports fans in England while in New York Sunday by saying American football is his favorite game and he plans to come back this fall for a Giants game. This finally settles the question of his paternity. His father is Frank Gifford.

New York Mets star Carlos Beltran and Mets officials showed swine flu symptoms Wednesday. They fly together on the team plane. Suddenly LeBron James's refusal to shake hands with opposing players after Saturday's loss looks like a lifesaving decision.

The Washington Times reported Wednesday that al-Qaeda is planning a bio-terror attack on the U.S. through the Mexican border. It'll backfire. Anyone in California who gets an envelope with white powder will just sell it to help fend off foreclosure.

Osama bin Laden issued an audio tape on Al-Jazeera Thursday threatening to attack the U.S. again in reprisal for U.S. attacks on the Taliban. He criticized Barack Obama by name. Every news anchor in America is watching closely to see if he gets fired for it.

President Obama arrived in Saudi Arabia Wednesday, then spoke in Egypt the next day. He tried to win over the two countries that produced the 9-11 attackers. This is the equivalent of Bill Clinton hitting on two women who have already sued him.

President Obama told a French reporter the U.S. is one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. There are only two million Muslims in America, but they are valued U.S. citizens. If you see them run out of the building, you should run out of the building.

Bill Clinton was interviewed for the Sunday New York Times during a shopping spree in Peru on a recent trip. He was buying gifts for the wives and girlfriends of his close pals. He tried to get something for his wife but no one would start the bidding.

Susan Boyle was reportedly recovering Thursday after she checked into a London mental hospital with severe anxiety after her talent show loss. There is no firm rule as to who's sane and who isn't. The definition is made by the people with the key.

CBS ordered more song and dance numbers in the Tony Awards on Sunday. Musicals all have the same plot nowadays. It's boy meets girl, boy meets boy, boy leaves girl for boy, boy marries boy, boy's marriage to boy nullified by the voters of California.

The White House authorized U.S. embassies all over the world Wednesday to invite Iranian diplomats to their July Fourth parties. The Iranians have Fourth of July barbecues every summer. Nothing makes a better charcoal starter than an American flag.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio