Argus Hamilton's column for 6-28-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama declared Tuesday he's ninety-five percent cured of smoking but wouldn't say when he last smoked. This is the difference between his generation and the last one. He can admit that he used cocaine but he's got to lie about smoking.

Manny Ramirez sold out two minor league stadiums last week as L.A. fans prepared to welcome him back. People out here think his fifty-game steroid penalty was too severe. Britney Spears only got four games for getting out of a car without underwear.

Chris Brown was sentenced to probation in Los Angeles Monday for beating Rihanna. He's also agreed to perform fourteen hundred hours of agricultural labor in Virginia. His attorney promised him that the Emancipation Proclamation would get him released early.

The White House named AT&T's former CEO Ed Whitacre to be head of General Motors last week and to bring GM back to profitability. He was a real catch. Three other companies were after him--the electric company, the phone company and the gas company.

President Obama condemned Iran Tuesday for their bloody street crackdown on protesters. His responses are escalating. It began last week when he killed a fly while being interviewed on TV, knowing full well that the fly is Iran's national bird.

President Obama stayed cool Tuesday when reporters asked about nuclear threats to the U.S. from Iran and North Korea. The pressure is mounting. Rand McNally is on a deadline for the new world atlas and they need to know who's going to be on the map.

North Korea warned all ships sailing in the Northwest Pacific Tuesday to steer clear of the region in the days leading up to Independence Day. It's a really bad idea for them to launch a missile on the Fourth of July. Somebody could lose a finger.

The National Archives released tapes of Richard Nixon's Oval Office tapes last week. In one tape he urged GOP Chairman George H.W. Bush to recruit beautiful GOP women to be the face of the party. President Nixon will go down in history as the Father of Fox News.

Afghanistan announced the opening of their first national park on Wednesday. It's clear what happened. Somebody must have discovered oil and stuck a national park over the parcel to make sure the United States doesn't seize it and bring it democracy.

Bill Clinton agreed Tuesday to speak at the World Healthcare Innovation and Technology Congress in November. Meanwhile, Hillary rushed back to work after having surgery to fix her broken elbow. There's always some member of that family with some body part in a sling.

Ford got a big government loan Monday to retool some of its factories. There is only one kind of engine Americans want to buy now. They want a car that will go back in time so they can sell their GM stock, marry someone else and vote for Ron Paul.

President Obama changed his tone Tuesday and condemned Iran's bloody crackdown on protesters. For ten days he said he didn't want to interfere in Iran's affairs. Now he's decided to say that Bush has the Middle East so screwed up, nobody can play it.

President Obama touted health care reform, saying the government can teach the private sector a few things about efficiency. The Post Office is broke, Amtrak is in shambles, NASA can't land on a cloudy day and the CIA can't find the world's tallest Arab. New Hampshire might as well change their license plate to read Exercise or Die.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio