Argus Hamilton's column for 6-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Golf Digest announced Monday that its U.S. Open Challenge with Michael Jordan, Justin Timberlake and Ben Roethlisberger will air on July Fourth. Charles Barkley couldn't be there. His golf swing has been hired by Iranian protesters to overthrow the regime.

Alaska was struck by a strong six-point earthquake Monday, centered on the Gulf of Alaska near Anchorage. It was felt up and down the state for six hundred miles. Sarah Palin's supporters demanded an apology from God for making her daughters vibrate.

The New York Yankees benched Alex Rodriguez for poor play on Friday. He's been slumping at the plate since he returned to the lineup. Yankee fans are so upset they are wringing out their babies' diapers and offering to sell the team clean urine.

Jessica Alba's vandalism charge was dropped in Oklahoma City Thursday. She was caught papering billboards with Save the Shark posters. If Jessica Alba had ever dated an oil man she'd know they save the sharks, the bearskins and also the mooseheads.

The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds topped the box office with its story of a woman publisher who blackmails her assistant into marrying her after her green card expires. It proves what activists have been saying. When illegal immigrants are from Mexico it's a national security issue, when they're from Canada it's a romantic comedy.

Major League Baseball player's union chief Don Fehr resigned Monday. The sport enjoyed ten years of record-breaking performances while he protected players from drug testing. He is leaving to take a job as president of the New York Stock Exchange.

President Obama signed the bill regulating tobacco as a drug Monday. He himself promised his wife two years ago he would quit smoking if he ran for president. And now he has to take her to Paris for dinner twice a month to keep her from leaving him.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared Monday the burqa is not welcome in France. His message to the Muslim world is clear. He's married to a supermodel who's been photographed completely nude, and if you get to see his wife he gets to see yours.

The Montreal Canadiens were bought by the Molson Beer family Monday. This will put hockey back on TV. Einstein tinkered with nuclear fission because he was afraid of what might happen if he mixed the violence of hockey with the strength of Canadian beer.

Iran's ayatollah insisted that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected by sixty-six percent Monday when exit polls showed that to be a statistical impossibility. The numbers just don't add up. It's why President Obama favors a college football playoff.

Crown Prince of Iran Reza Pahlavi backed the protesters in Tehran Monday. His family was overthrown by a violent protest in the Seventies. Thirty years later it is impossible to describe the depth of the hostility some people felt toward disco.

Iran's police fired live bullets into the air on Monday to try to break up all the street protests. They were aiming very carefully as they fired into the air. They didn't want to hit any of the virgins waiting for them in case the protesters win.

Great Britain evacuated the Tehran Embassy of its staff and their families on Monday but the British diplomats themselves insist on staying at their posts. None of these people want to be sent home to London. There are fewer angry Muslims in Iran.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio