Argus Hamilton's column for 6-21-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

North Korea vowed to launch a missile toward Hawaii on July Fourth. The island paradise was claimed by England, annexed by the U.S., attacked by the Japanese and now threatened by North Korea. Living where there is no winter makes everyone jealous.

The Pentagon moved defense missiles to Hawaii when North Korea vowed to strike on July Fourth. It's great for tourism. Most cities can't afford a fireworks show this year and Honolulu gets one for free, however you'll have to watch it from Los Angeles.

Bethpage Black Golf Course was a horror show Thursday when rains hit the U.S. Open. The longest course ever was made longer by rain and the rough was too wet to cut. Dick Cheney insists that American lives were saved by forcing detainees to play the course.

The Weather Channel reported heavy thunderstorms on the Eastern Seaboard which delayed the U.S. Open Thursday. Tornadoes hit the Midwest while hurricanes formed in the Atlantic. And if you think that's bad, the five-day forecast for Iran is two days.

The Empress of Iran, Farah Pahlavi, encouraged Iran's street protesters to carry on Thursday. The Shah's widow splits her time between Paris and Beverly Hills with her fellow exiles. They mark their deliverance from the revolution every year with a ceremony in which they tell their kids about the Miracle of the CIA Helicopter.

Iranians used Twitter to report on protests Thursday. The world's so connected now. The Ayatollah stopped promising suicide bombers that virgins would greet them in heaven after David Letterman nearly got fired for mentioning teenage girls and sex.

Olive Garden restaurants pulled their ads from David Letterman's show Thursday after his sex joke about Sarah Palin's teen daughter. It may also limit his travel options. The French government says if the U.S. won't take Roman Polanski, France won't take David Letterman.

A Continental Airlines pilot died in the cockpit on a flight to Newark Thursday. The plane still landed safely. For the sake of air safety it'd be a lot better if all these pilots who want to top Sully Sullenberger would just go fly for the Blue Angels.

British Airways offered their pilots shares in the airline in exchange for pay cuts on Thursday. It's far and away the classiest passenger airline. Pheasants fly into British Airways planes trying to rescue their relatives from the dinner cart.

Billy Joel dodged reporters and ducked cameras Thursday when news of his third divorce was reported. He ran to his car. If a newly-divorced man is totally alone in a forest and he makes a statement without his wife being there, is he still wrong?

The U.S. Senate passed a resolution Thursday which apologized for America's past history of slavery. It's such hypocrisy. Slavery would have been peacefully and quietly replaced by illegal immigration if South Carolina hadn't been so trigger happy.

Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow Thursday as she was leaving her home in Washington D.C. for the White House. She'll be okay. With the help of a strength coach and personal trainer she'll learn how to throw a lamp at her husband left-handed.

President Obama was ripped by animal rights activists for killing a fly during a TV interview. It was grim. He slapped it barehanded and it fell dead to the Oval Office carpet, where it lies next to the president of GM and three Inspector Generals.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio