Argus Hamilton's column for 6-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

General Motors went bankrupt Monday, ending an era in American business. People who loaned the company money will get stock instead. This is exactly how my great-grandfather wound up with a controlling interest in the Confederate States of America.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was accused Friday of flying a teenaged actress to his seaside villa in Sardinia. The villa has waterfalls, seven swimming pools and an artificial volcano. It goes off an hour after you throw the pill into it.

Prince Harry made an official trip to New York where he saw Ground Zero, toured Harlem and played in a polo match. He's the daredevil of the family. He flew to New York on a commercial airline just for the thrill of landing on the Hudson.

George W. Bush discussed his marriage during a debate in Canada Friday. He said the pressure of the presidency made his marriage stronger. He was debating Bill Clinton and the promoter thought it would sell more tickets if they agreed on nothing.

President Obama touted Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor Saturday. He said her nomination demonstrates that in your life it doesn't matter where you come from or what you look like. If that's the way he felt he could have nominated Susan Boyle.

Britain's Got Talent discovery Susan Boyle finished second to a dance troupe in the show's final round on Saturday. Everyone in the world was watching. Yesterday Sonia Sotomayor said the richness of her life's experience would make her a better judge than Simon Cowell.

President Obama took his wife to Manhattan for a date night Saturday. He spent last week snarling traffic in Los Angeles and the weekend snarling traffic in New York. His idea of saving energy is to make driving unbearable in one city per week.

The White House refused to allow cameras to shoot President Obama playing golf on Memorial Day. He refused to allow pictures or video of him out on the golf course. The way he plays, this is the one place he'd never be mistaken for Tiger Woods.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened Friday to attack the U.S. with long-range missiles. His sanity is debatable. Kim Jong Il lives in the penthouse of a six-story building in Pyongyang and in his honor the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

North Korea prepared its seventh missile launch in a week Friday. It's getting serious. If North Korea attacks the western United States with nuclear weapons, Barack Obama can pick a Supreme Court justice without worrying about the Hispanic vote.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Saturday the U.S. will not tolerate North Korea being a nuclear state. He vowed the U.S. will hold them responsible if they arm themselves with nuclear weapons. South Korea was last seen asking Japan what it's like to be an island.

Michael Vick began house arrest in Virginia last week. He's only allowed to go to work and to church. He can't associate with or talk to known felons, which rules out a trade to the Cincinnati Bengals or an appointment to the Illinois U.S. Senate seat.

Maryland reported losing one hundred million dollars in revenue after imposing a state millionaire's tax on its residents last year. They just learned that a third of the millionaires left the state. The day the tax was passed in Annapolis, a really smart businessman opened a restaurant in the Cayman Islands specializing in crab cakes.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio