Argus Hamilton's column for 6-14-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bermuda offered to take in Guantanamo detainees Thursday, a day after the South Pacific isle of Palau volunteered to take them. It fulfills a prophecy. Osama bin Laden promised them if they joined al-Qaeda they would someday be greeted in paradise.

David Letterman apologized for a joke he told about Sarah Palin's fourteen-year-old daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez while she was in New York. He knows better. Dave's been a comedian for years and he knows he should have said Woody Allen.

The University of Alabama was sanctioned by the NCAA for recruiting violations Friday, which may reduce their athletic scholarships. The NCAA is going to be sorry they picked this fight. Only the National Guard decides who goes to school in Alabama.

Sonny and Cher's daughter Chastity reportedly underwent a sex change operation Thursday and became a man. It's a shock. The forty-year-old gay activist had been active in the lesbian community but no one had any idea she was dating Lorena Bobbitt.

David Carradine's naked picture was splashed in tabloids in Thailand, showing him wearing a woman's wig and fishnet stockings after he hanged himself during an autoerotic sex act. Be careful what you wish for. At his last birthday party David Carradine blew out the candles and wished that someday he'd be famous for something beside Kung Fu.

The White House ordered banks to freeze thirty million dollars that is owed to online poker winners Thursday. Poker is a game where good lying skills are richly rewarded. You'd think politicians would leave them alone out of professional courtesy.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to give the FDA the power to regulate tobacco as a drug. They want to ratchet up the dangers of smoking. Joe Biden will assume the duties of president while Barack Obama is incapacitated by his addiction to nicotine.

Venezuela ordered Coca-Cola to pull its zero-calorie Coke Zero from their grocery store shelves Friday. It's a break for the soft drink maker. The world has always loved their product and they'll pay a lot more for it now that it's an illegal product.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce launched an ad campaign Thursday to educate the public about capitalism. They can't explain it slowly enough. Most Americans think the more kids that you have, the greater the chance a reality show will pay all your bills.

U.S. television stations began broadcasting on the digital spectrum Friday, which left two million Americans who didn't get the digital box in time without television reception. The government stepped right in. Barack Obama impersonators were sent door-to-door to drone on about health care to people whose televisions weren't working.

President Obama flew to Green Bay Thursday where he hosted a town hall meeting about national health care. The crowd was eager and friendly and glad to see him. How often do you get to personally hand your resume to the president of General Motors?

President Obama promoted national health care at a Wisconsin town hall meeting Thursday. Protesters lined his motorcade route. They heard a report that the national health care plan involves mandates, and they believe mandates will lead to gay marriage.

Republicans on Capitol Hill warned Thursday that President Obama's government health care ambitions will run the country into the ground financially. If we run the country any further into the ground a lot of bond salesmen are going to lose their jobs. We'll be close enough to China where we can just push them up through the dirt.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio