Argus Hamilton's column for 5-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's second wife Veronica is demanding a divorce. He's fallen for a teenage lingerie model. For years the Vatican has paid its electric bill by changing all the names in Silvio's confessions and publishing them as romance novels.

Brett Favre was reported Monday to be meeting with the Minnesota Vikings. This is a very bad time to be a cotton farmer in Mississippi. A lot of people think that Barack Obama is going after plantation owners as soon as he finishes with the bankers.

President Obama and Vice President Biden ate lunch together at a burger joint in Virginia Wednesday. Is this smart, considering all the food safety scares? Nancy Pelosi was just ten degrees on a meat thermometer away from being President of the United States.

John Bobbitt tried to make up with his former wife Lorena Bobbitt Thursday. He had his penis re-attached after she chopped it off while he slept. If he could get back together with that, getting back together with his wife should be a piece of cake.

Abe Lincoln was diagnosed by forensic pathologists Monday as dying of cancer at the time he was shot. The DNA on his deathbed pillow could prove it. History books may have to be revised to say that Abe Lincoln actually died of actor-assisted suicide.

Paul Newman's life is the subject of a new biography out Monday. He drank one case of Coors a day and did four hundred sit-ups every day to keep it from showing. There is a belief common among all alcoholics that a flat belly is the key to a strong liver.

New York City marked Cinco de Mayo on Tuesday by introducing the world's first kosher tequila, called Tequila Agave. It's authentic. It's blessed by a rabbi and the Orthodox Union seal is on every label and the worm in the bottle is Bernie Madoff.

Homeland Security recalled a dictionary of potential terrorists it sent out to law enforcement nationwide Wednesday. They placed Christians, Jews and people who hate to pay taxes on the list of suspected terrorists. If they want to arrest the previous administration, why don't they just do it and stop bothering the rest of us?

Britain's Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America.

Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won't be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family.

House Democrats included no money in the military funding bill Tuesday for the transfer of terror detainees from Guantanamo prison, because no states will take them. It's a dangerous time to have Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in California. William Morris is about to fire one hundred agents who will be thirsting for revenge and looking for a leader.

Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don't understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four.

The White House proposed Wednesday that the U.S. spend sixty-three billion dollars on medical care for foreigners overseas. That's news. When President Obama campaigned on bringing free health care to the country he neglected to mention that the country was Zimbabwe.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio