Argus Hamilton's column for 5-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Congress had hearings Thursday about the Bowl Championship Series that selects college football's national champion. Everyone admits that the current system has a few flaws. According to the BCS computer, Chrysler is the world's leading automaker.

Workaholics Anonymous was reported Friday to be the most popular new recovery program in America. They use a toll-free hotline. When you get the urge to put in an eight-hour day you call them up and they send two government workers to talk to you.

Jeb Bush hosted a town hall Saturday in a Virginia pizza parlor as Republicans tried to connect with regular Americans. That explains the pizza. Pollsters told them that to connect with regular Americans they'll each have to gain forty pounds.

Mexico protested Sunday when China quarantined Mexican tourists inside a Hong Kong hotel where one had the flu. There have been no other cases there. Epidemiologists called it an example of what can be done when you don't have to worry about the Hispanic vote.

Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It's cut crime. New York transit police didn't arrest anyone all day because even subway flashers were wearing surgical masks.

Paris Hilton was asked by TV reporters on Sunset Boulevard Thursday if she was worried about swine flu. She shook her head and said she doesn't eat that. She's just contributng to the misconception that you can catch swine flu through casual sex.

Scotland Yard arrested a British businessman and an American businesswoman for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle late Friday night. It was an egregious violation of protocol. You're not allowed to have sex in white shoes for another month.

NATO gunboats captured Somali pirates off the coast of Africa Saturday shortly after a Portuguese boat captured a dozen pirates. They had to let them all go. The Outdoor Living Network will cancel the show unless they release everything they catch.

New York's legislature fast-tracked a bill Friday that will impose a five-cent tax on all plastic bags given to New Yorkers with each sale. They know people will pay it. If you try to bring home the cocaine barehanded the perspiration will melt it.

Congress passed a bill called the Cardholders Bill of Rights on Thursday. It's overwhelmingly popular. The bill aims to shield consumers from what Democrats call predatory interest rates and what the U.S. Constitution calls the contract they signed.

President Obama alarmed Wall Street Thursday by threatening hedge fund managers with press ridicule if they didn't toe his line on the Chrysler bailout. He wanted bondholders to take less than they would likely get in bankruptcy and they said no to him. Barack Obama was so angry that the South got twelve inches of rain the next day.

The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday. They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes.

President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and experience as a judge. The question now is, how's he going to get Paula Adbul through the U.S. Senate confirmation process?