Argus Hamilton's column for 5-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The White House said Friday a staffer got the swine flu while he was in Mexico with the president two weeks ago. He brought the flu germs aboard Air Force One. Now all of lower Manhattan has it and the Statue of Liberty is looking a little green.

Mexico's health officials insisted Friday they're getting the swine flu epidemic under control. It's not the first time Mexico has had an outbreak of disease. People are just now figuring out that Zorro lived to be ninety because he always wore a mask.

Florida farmers began plowing under this year's tomato harvest due to the lower demand at the market. The tomato has three vital functions. It's a fruit, it's a vegetable, and it's a reminder to comedians that our option comes up after every joke.

A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill. He has been disbarred for double billing.

Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing teams to the pitch that was coming. He's now had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron's record but nobody ever thought he'd break Bill Clinton's.

Nevada's Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he'd supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. It will run movies from three different wars. At the top of every segment they will cut back to Senator McCain and he'll explain why we still have to have troops in that country.

May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup.

Michelle Obama wore five-hundred-dollar sneakers to a food bank after she had worn a five-hundred-dollar blouse to plant a tree. They are both made by Lanvin. She's being criticized for buying French instead of buying Chinese like the rest of us.

Barack Obama attends a fundraiser in Beverly Hills next week. Seats are twenty-five hundred and dinner with him is forty thousand. The New York Yankees just asked him to name his price to stand in the on-deck circle until all the season tickets are sold.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter said Friday he will retire from the Court in June. He's a lifelong bachelor who spent his life living alone in a cabin in the woods in New Hampshire. He only accepted a job on the Supreme Court because he was tired of being interrogated every time the cops were looking for a serial killer.

President Obama announced the Supreme Court's vacancy Friday. He made clear what he's looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn.

President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court nominee's life experience as much as the nominee's judicial experience. He won't have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio