Argus Hamilton's column for 5-31-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The CIA began hiring Wall Street investment bankers and hedge fund managers on Thursday. They want to find out exactly where Afghan drug traffickers park their money. You figure, who would know better than the people who parked the money for them?

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il claimed Tuesday that his ICBM missiles can reach Los Angeles. He drinks two quarts of Cognac a day, snorts cocaine, takes Viagra and dates teenaged girls. You'd think he'd spare Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush squared off onstage in Canada Friday where they engaged in debate. It ended with their legacies intact. Bill Clinton went back to the hotel with the moderator's wife and George W. Bush toppled the government of Canada.

The Real Housewives of Washington D.C. was reported Thursday to be a new reality show in production. In one episode, a senator's wife is horrified to discover her husband in bed. She was turning tricks at the time and there was a scheduling mix-up.

Barack Obama was driven from the Beverly Hilton to speak at the Beverly Hills Hotel Thursday morning. He snarled L.A. traffic for two days. By the time he left town, Californians were recounting ballots to see if they could tip the election to McCain.

Mel Gibson's adult children hired lawyers Thursday to protect their interest in Mel's billion-dollar fortune. Those kids have no right to his fortune. If they want to retire well they can spend six weeks filming the whipping of Jesus just like he did.

Nancy Pelosi declared in China Thursday that people must open every aspect of their lives to personal inventory in the battle against global warming. She wants to control what light bulb you use, what car you may drive, what food you may eat and where to set your thermostat. How does she get away with calling herself pro-choice?

Queen Elizabeth wasn't invited to attend the D-Day event with Nicolas Sarkozy and Barack Obama. She has no business there. Sarkozy is Hungarian and Obama is Kenyan and the commemoration is restricted to people who had nothing to do with winning the war.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu urged everybody Tuesday to paint their roofs white to help fight global warming. One thing you can sure say for President Obama. He wasn't kidding when he told the Painters Union he won't forget them for their support.

California cut off money to house new mental hospital patients Thursday, causing an outcry from psychiatrists and therapists. The state simply can't afford to keep up with the need. Every day thousands more cases come over the border from Wonderland.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor prompted outrage by saying a Latina woman's life experiences make her a better judge than a white man. That's silly. Obviously she's never tried to judge whether the next shot calls for a four-iron or a five-iron.

The White House is considering a twenty-five percent national sales tax. That's on top of cola, liquor and tobacco taxes. Warren Buffet weathered this recession because thirty years ago he bought a pack of Marlboros and held it in his retirement account.

The White House announced Thursday the U.S. will host the Group of Twenty summit this year in Pittsburgh. The city is very experienced with recession. In February the mayor presented the Super Bowl winning coach with the key to the Midnight Mission.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio