Argus Hamilton's column for 5-3-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Joe Biden told Americans Thursday to avoid air travel to keep from contracting the swine flu. He was typically off-message. It's not the administration's mission to destroy the airline industry, this month's mission is to destroy the auto industry.

Fort Worth closed schools for a week Tuesday and ordered janitors to disinfect every classroom when swine flu arrived from Mexico. Is this a good idea? In order to get the job done in time they will have to bring in janitors illegally from Mexico.

Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled Texas high school sporting events Thursday over swine flu. He couldn't get away with this during high school football season. The Constitution forbids the government from preventing the free exercise of religion.

President Obama claimed Wednesday the British didn't torture or inflict pain on German prisoners during World War II. That may be technically true. Captured Nazi spies were shot if they didn't agree to be double agents, but it only hurt for a second.

Captain Richard Phillips urged Congress Thursday to arm U.S. merchant ships that sail past Africa's coast. What a tale. He was taken hostage by Somali pirates before the U.S. Navy Seals snipers showed up and now there are three holes in his story.

Segway's inventor revealed plans to make a hybrid electric car powered by an engine which uses cow manure for fuel, and then use that engine to light Third World homes. Imagine generators that run on manure. Every time President Obama says he doesn't want to run private industry a third of the planet could be electrocuted by the power surge.

Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya's women Wednesday to protest public policy. It certainly got the men's attention. You're allowed four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you're in the same position as Chrysler.

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy Thursday after bondholders refused to forgive all the debt they're owed. The restructured company will be jointly owned by Fiat and the United Auto Workers. Fiat is an acronym that stands for Fix It Again Taxpayers.

President Obama slammed hedge fund managers Thursday for demanding what's owed them by Chrysler and refusing to accept less. Wall Street hedge fund managers are prolific by nature. So far this year they've turned out sixty thousand license plates.

Homeland Security urged calm Thursday in the face of the swine flu epidemic. Humans get swine flu from pigs, Mad Cow from cattle, AIDS from monkeys and avian flu from birds. By next year Miss USA contestants will be asked if they support same-species marriage.

GOP leaders formed the National Council for a New America Thursday to reinvigorate the GOP. The press release shows John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Jeb Bush on the masthead. At party headquarters they're known as the GOP Past, the GOP Future. and the Never Again.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin appeared on a televised show glorifying motorcycle chicks. It's called American Chopper. It's believed to be the first TV show that ever promoted an American politician because her sister-in-law was busted for cooking meth.

Twentieth Century Fox announced Thursday it will re-unite Michael Douglas with director Oliver Stone for a sequel to Wall Street which is set twenty years later. It's going to be a short film. All the Wall Street firms in the original movie have converted to commercial banks or gone out of business, and Charlie Sheen's sober.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio