Argus Hamilton's column for 5-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Motor Trend magazine raved about next year's six-hundred-horsepower Corvette, which was just unveiled. It's being advertised as the fastest car General Motors ever made. GM's board of directors met Wednesday and decided to die with their boots on.

Jay Leno hosts his last Tonight Show Friday before he goes to prime time. It's a risky move. When the jokes die in that time period, the audience expects to see a detective and a beautiful D.A. interviewing the joke writers to figure out who did it.

President Obama attended a Democratic Party dinner at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Wednesday. It was a real sob fest. Ever since he began giving jobs to people with compelling personal stories, everyone he meets has got a relative on life support.

West Hollywood held street protests Tuesday after the California Supreme Court upheld the same-sex marriage ban enacted by Proposition 8. The atmosphere was festive. The police handed out seventy-five hundred citations for following too close.

Republican Party attorney Ted Olson filed a federal lawsuit against California's same-sex marriage ban Wednesday. He needs the money. Ted Olson is a constitutional lawyer and now that we don't have a constitution he'll have to go back to school and learn a trade.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu urged everybody Tuesday to paint their roofs white to save the planet from global warming. The president won't be happy to hear that remark. If there's one thing he stands for, it's the end of white always being on top.

Samsung was ordered to recall some of their cellphones Wednesday because the emergency speed-dial features weren't programmed to call the police department. The cell phones are made in South Korea. They're programmed to call the Seventh Fleet.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened to attack America Wednesday after days of nuclear bomb detonations and missile tests. His missiles are able to reach Japan. However, it wouldn't help General Motors because all the Toyota plants are in Kentucky.

The White House announced Tuesday that President Obama will visit Saudi Arabia during his overseas trip next week as guest of the Saudi royal family. It's long overdue. He's been president over four months, it's about time he met with the owners.

President Obama announced Tuesday that he's nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court and cited her compelling personal story as a main reason. That's affirmative action code meaning she's not qualified. Republicans have already filmed a campaign TV commercial showing Ken Starr's hands crumpling up a letter of rejection.

Newt Gingrich called Sonia Sotomayor a racist Wednesday for saying her experience as a Latina woman gives her better judgment than white males. He was positively giddy. Anglo-Saxons haven't gotten to be the victim since Britain was occupied by the Romans.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor was taped stating that the appellate court is where U.S. policy is made. She said she knew she was on tape and shouldn't say that, but she did. The last person in Washington who said this won a free helicopter ride to San Clemente.

President Obama tied up traffic in West Los Angeles Wednesday by choosing to land at noon. His motorcade shut down the San Diego Freeway and Wilshire Boulevard. Four years from now, no one will remember that the reason Obama was a one-term president was Air Force One buzzing New York for a photo-op and a five-hour traffic jam on Wilshire.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio