Argus Hamilton's column for 5-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

A Night at the Museum: the Battle at the Smithsonian is a box office smash. In it, wax dummies of historical figures come to life. Everyone loves the scene where capitalism gets up off the canvas and stops the president from seizing General Motors.

President Obama addressed a crowd at Arlington Cemetery on Memorial Day. He began his remarks by saying that at the end of his speech he would like a moment of silence. Comedians recognized that old trick, it's called having no faith in your closing joke.

John McCain hosted a movie marathon on AMC Monday. They ran four films showing the U.S. and Britain fighting Germany. It's a throwback to the good old days when you could fight a war against someone without having to be sensitive to their culture.

Bud Selig blamed bad weather for Major League Baseball's drop in attendance of four thousand customers per game this year. It's a public relations nightmare. Half the fans have lost interest because the players were using steroids and half the fans have lost interest because the players have stopped using steroids.

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U.S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside.

The Los Angeles Times interviewed disillusioned al-Qaeda fighters who returned home to Europe saying they were fed up with the whole thing. Al-Qaeda is like soccer. No matter how big it is in Europe, in America people just outgrow it.

Nancy Pelosi refused comment Friday after the CIA refuted her claim she wasn't briefed on waterboarding. Her colleagues said they were all told. Nancy Pelosi flew to China Monday but it's odd she was allowed on the plane with her pants on fire.

Somali pirates were captured by a NATO ship off the coast of Africa Monday and then were released after the sailors seized the pirates' weapons and boarding ladders. It's a trick NATO learned from the LAPD. They can detain black people, they can harass black people, but as long as they don't make an arrest, they don't have to do any paperwork.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged President Obama to a debate at the U.N. Monday. It wouldn't be very interesting. So far the only thing they disagree on is whether the BCS computer system should be replaced by a college football playoff.

President Obama proclaimed Friday that waterboarding does not reflect American values. He wants interrogation to reflect American values. Now al-Qaeda doesn't know if they're going to be conquered, enslaved or if atomic bombs will be dropped on them.

North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb Monday and then test-fired a long range missile afterwards. Hopefully the missiles can reach Southern California. It's the only way we could get past the environmentalists to drill for either oil or water.

The U.N. went into emergency session Monday to deal with North Korea's nuclear blast. The North Koreans could wage a nuclear attack on South Korea or sell the nuclear bombs to Syria or Iran. After six hours of heated debate, the U.N. voted unanimously to censure Israel for digging a tomato garden in the backyard of a duplex.

North Korea's nuclear bomb test was judged successful Monday by seismologists throughout Asia. The North Koreans are furious at the U.S. because for twenty years they supported themselves by counterfeiting U.S. currency and now it's worthless. Who knew that Barack Obama's economic policy was a backdoor way to bring down North Korea?


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio