Argus Hamilton's column for 5-24-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin resigned his post in London Monday. He took personal responsibility for unethical conduct by other lawmakers. Even Helen Keller's teacher wouldn't be able to make Nancy Pelosi understand why he stepped down.

The Denver Nuggets accidentally scheduled pro wrestling in the Pepsi Center the same night as a playoff game. The confusion is understandable. If you're watching the playoffs, you know the only difference between the NBA and pro wrestling is capes.

New York paleontologists unveiled a forty-seven-million-year-old lemur monkey fossil Tuesday saying it proves man descended from apes. The apes are not happy. Just last month a chimp in Connecticut was shot by police for saying none of this was his fault.

France's first lady Carla Bruni ripped Pope Benedict Tuesday for saying condom use makes the AIDS problem worse. You can't fault his logic. Improving the survival rate just adds to the pressure on the pope to rule on same-sex marriage.

The White House proposed new auto standards Tuesday requiring new cars to be lighter and more fuel-efficient. They don't do well in crash tests. A jogger in Los Angeles got hit by a Smart Car last night and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.

Detroit auto executives pretended to applaud the White House proposals for new car standards. It may go nowhere. Thirty years ago the government announced we were all going to go on the metric system, and only the drug dealers followed the law.

President Obama proposed requiring cars to get thirty-five miles a gallon last week. All new cars must conform to California standards. Each car must be tan and blonde with silicone front bumpers and a trunk big enough for the maid and the gardener.

Hillary Clinton hailed Rachel Alexandra for winning the Preakness in a women's college graduation speech Sunday. She's the exception. When the Obama crowd first heard the name Rachel Alexandra they thought there was a Romanov they forgot to shoot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was targeted by a recall petition drive Tuesday. You've got to love California. Six years ago Arnold ran against Gary Coleman, Gallagher and porn star Mary Carey, and we elected the one that was least fiscally responsible.

The FEC dismissed a complaint against the GOP Tuesday for spending over a hundred thousand dollars on clothes to outfit Sarah Palin during the presidential campaign. The party spent lavishly on her at Neiman's, Saks, Macy's and Barney's. The Republican Party plan to revive the retail sector is to nominate only women for national office.

Bill Clinton was named a special U.N. envoy to Haiti by the U.N. Secretary-General in New York Tuesday. He just raised three hundred million dollars for Haiti and he's being paid a dollar a year. That is the new standard rate for financial professionals.

United Nations economic analysts reported Tuesday that piracy was Somalia's number-one industry. No wonder they have a ninety-seven percent approval rating. They took in thirty million in ransoms, and only paid out four million in welfare benefits.

The U.S. Senate approved a credit card bill Tuesday which also allows loaded handguns to be brought inside U.S. national parks and wildlife refuges. The gun rights measure was slipped into the bill by Republicans. They believe as an article of faith that oil drillers have a constitutional right to defend themselves during exploration.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio