Argus Hamilton's column for 5-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Nancy Pelosi said Wednesday the CIA lied to her about waterboarding terrorists, igniting a firestorm. It was a bad move. Once the CIA leaks satellite photos of her sunbathing, Donald Trump will never allow her to keep her title as House Speaker.

President Obama gave a commencement speech at Notre Dame Sunday where he spoke about bridging great differences and about changing history. Sadly his plea fell on deaf ears. USC will always be a Methodist school and they will always hate each other.

Pittsburgh Steelers star linebacker James Harrison declined to go to the White House with his Super Bowl champion team today. He also declined the winner's invite to the White House four years ago. He doesn't know what business he's going into after he retires from NFL football, but he doesn't want the FBI to have his thumbprint.

Michael Vick was released from prison to a halfway house Monday and he hired a trainer to help get him in shape. This will be trouble. All the trainers he knows will train him to growl and bite the throat of anyone who intercepts one of his passes.

Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen eventually. California's government has thrown so many tax dollars down a rat hole, it's destabilized the crust of the earth.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience that torture doesn't work. She's had Botox shots right next to her eyes and she never gave up her real age.

Arnold Schwarzenegger spelled out doomsday scenarios before five revenue-raising ballot measures went before the voters in California Tuesday. He amped up the scare tactics. He said if Californians are not willing to pay more taxes we'll have to adopt a one-child policy.

The Hubble Telescope resumed working Monday after NASA's repair job. It scans the galaxies for any signs of intelligent life. The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

The White House announced future regulations for all U.S.-made cars Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone, texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him off.

The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are going back to school to train for a new career as a whore.

President Obama agreed with Israel Monday to give Iran six months to end their nuclear program or else. That's November. No one can believe it, Barack Obama is going to pre-empt the Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving with another one of his speeches.

President Obama angered liberals by sending more U.S. troops to Afghanistan last week. He also maintained secrecy on torture photos and reinstated military tribunals for terror suspects. This is why presidents go to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington on Easter, the right policies are printed on cards on the back of the pew.

A Royal Air Force pilot ejected from his Harrier bomber in a space-age rocket seat after he safely crash-landed his bomb-filled plane on an Afghan runway to avoid an airliner. It's all on tape. Sully Sullenberger never should have ended his Larry King interview by challenging any pilot to top his landing on the Hudson River.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio