Argus Hamilton's column for 5-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Senator John McCain will host a war movie marathon for American Movie Classics to help commemorate Memorial Day. It won't do very well in the ratings. Over on Turner Classic Movies, Sarah Palin is hosting a Beverly Hillbillies marathon.

Nancy Pelosi called the CIA liars Thursday as she told a fifth version of when she first learned about CIA waterboarding. People back in California are upset by her shifting story. It could mean Botox causes memory loss and eventually job loss.

Miss California Carrie Prejean stood by her opposition to gay marriage last week at a press briefing. She's very mainstream. Carrie Prejean has the same expressed view on gay marriage as Barack Obama, and they both like to pose topless in magazines.

Shirley Jones was pitched to Playboy for a nude photo spread Monday by husband Marty Ingels. At last a Miss California for everyone. She's wholesome and beautiful but nobody who starred in as many musicals as she did would dare oppose gay marriage.

Mafia princess Victoria Gotti was evicted from her Long Island mansion Tuesday due to foreclosure. The family never had any problem with late payments before. The mansion includes the standard Mafia hot tub, six feet wide and ten thousand feet deep.

NASA astronaut Andrew Feustel struggled to fix the Hubble Space Telescope camera Friday. He pushed his wrench for an hour to loosen one bolt. If this is the pace of government work, your kids will be on Social Security before their schools are repaired.

The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and foolishly assumed it was there to free them.

President Obama greeted the World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies at the White House Friday, calling them fellow underdogs. That's not all they have in common. He and the Dominican players traded tips about the best places to buy birth certificates.

Major League Baseball vowed Friday to double its effort to warn players of the danger of using steroids. The side effects are frightening. The stress of trying to manage twenty million dollars a year in this market could give you a heart attack.

George W. Bush was reported Thursday to have already raised one hundred million dollars for his presidential library at SMU. The library foundation said there were no foreign contributors. The last thing he did as president was to annex Saudi Arabia.

President Obama trumpeted his Credit Card Holder Bill of Rights in New Mexico Thursday. It's got a responsibility clause. You can't just buy things and expect the money to appear out of nowhere to pay for it, not unless you were elected to Congress.

The White House said Thursday Social Security and Medicare could be bankrupt sooner than expected. It raised hackles. Baby Boomers won't tolerate having Medicare taken away unless marijuana is legalized and subsidized, and pre-rolled for anyone with arthritis.

President Obama addresses a fundraiser for Harry Reid in Nevada next Tuesday. It's a great state. It was settled when Old West prospectors found gold bracelets, gold earrings and gold teeth in the mountains and word spread they discovered a whorehouse.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio