Argus Hamilton's column for 5-17-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Prince Harry arrives in New York Friday on his first trip to America. Everyone is excited. If there's anything that'll put an end to the media's endless fawning over President Obama it's an English prince who recently broke up with his girlfriend.

President Obama speaks at Notre Dame Sunday despite Catholic Church opposition to his abortion views. Students, faculty, clergy and bishops are outraged he's on campus. Coach Charlie Weis greeted him at the airport to thank him for the cover fire.

President Obama opposed release of photos of detainee abuse Thursday and won't transfer the detainees or give them trials. Comedians understand his thinking. He saw Will Ferrell getting huge laughs impersonating George W. Bush and decided to try it himself.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday the CIA lied to her seven years ago in the briefing about the waterboarding of terror suspects. She said they didn't brief her, but the CIA records and other congressmen indicate they briefed her, then she said she knew but she wasn't informed. Miss California sounded better explaining where babies come from.

Nancy Pelosi called the CIA liars for saying they told her they had waterboarded terrorists. Don't miss the tabloids for the next two weeks. She'd better remember everywhere she's ever sunbathed before she insults people with satellite surveillance.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made a revenue-raising proposal Thursday to sell the Los Angeles Coliseum and San Quentin Prison. They are state-owned landmarks. If he added the Oakland Coliseum he would be selling every place the Raiders ever played.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones christened his new stadium Cowboys Stadium on Thursday. He hasn't yet found the right buyer for the stadium naming rights. He's really sorry he took twenty million dollars to name the practice facility Wrath of God Field.

The New York Times had to fire its restaurant critic Frank Bruni Thursday. The restaurant business is really hurting in New York. In Frank Bruni's last review he was telling readers how to get the coin slots at the Automat to take Canadian quarters.

The Senate Commerce Committee heard testimony Wednesday that commuter airliners are being flown by new pilots making sixteen thousand a year. The lesson for all travelers is clear. Never board an airplane where the co-pilot is wearing a paper hat.

President Obama held a town hall meeting on credit card interest rates Thursday in New Mexico. He said he once had credit card debt problems himself. Baby Boomers have been having trouble with credit cards ever since we stopped using them to chop cocaine.

Sarah Palin defended Miss California Carrie Prejean from media attacks for her opposition to gay marriage. Gay militants are very serious. They routinely accuse heterosexual white people of being Nazis, giving the pope some much-needed bench time.

The White House halted the government use of the phrase War on Drugs Friday by order of the Drug Czar. After forty years, we've lost. If the drugs are as good to us as we were to all the countries we defeated, we'll be back on our feet in no time.

FEMA summoned reporters Thursday to unveil six newly-designed mobile homes for disaster victims. The agency says that they're clean, they're beige and they have safe levels of formaldehyde. They were designed to sleep four autoworkers comfortably.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio