Argus Hamilton's column for 5-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods slipped in the final round at the Player's Championship Sunday for his third straight loss. He's wild and he wants to fix his swing. It looked like Charles Barkley taught Tiger's swing coach more than Tiger's swing coach taught Charles Barkley.

Roger Clemens hired a publicist to battle steroid charges Monday. They have a new angle for public sympathy. Doctors say steroids will shorten your life by thirty years but the players say they are just doing their part to keep Social Security solvent.

Manny Ramirez apologized to L.A. for using female fertility drugs to enhance his performance. It was healing moment. L.A. for its part apologized to Manny for using hair color, Cialis, breast implants and Spandex underwear to enhance our performances.

The New York Yankees were reported Monday to be embarrassed about the empty two-thousand-dollars-per-seat section. It's been a rude awakening. When the Yankees priced those tickets last year they had no idea that everybody in New York who could afford them was running a Ponzi scheme out of a laptop computer in their home office.

Texas was joined by Oklahoma in making state sovereignty claims, fanning secession talk in the South. That explains GM's desire to leave Detroit. Californians only buy imports and soon a Chevy built in Tennessee will be just as imported as if it's made in Tokyo.

President Obama slashed Chrysler's advertising budget in half Tuesday. This is his area of expertise. He told them they don't need a hundred million dollars in advertising if they can just run a few negative ads in Iowa and get Chris Matthews on their side.

Hawaii lawmakers voted Friday to set aside a state holiday for Islam Day. This is not going to work. New York City may have lost the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to Cleveland but they're not about to lose the Museum of the Sneak Attack to Honolulu.

The Pentagon agreed Tuesday to release photos of U.S. personnel torturing terror suspects. What an embarrassment. Not only did they force the prisoners to form a naked pyramid but nine Defense Department officials invested their life savings in it.

The U.S. government will pay two million dollars to teach hookers in China to drink responsibly. Why are U.S. politicians spending money to educate foreign prostitutes? These days safe sex means you don't do a wire transfer where the government can see it.

Jimmy Carter told the U.S. Senate that energy independence is as important today as it was thirty years ago when he was president. He's so right. We were relying on imported cocaine for our energy needs in the Carter era and it's no different today.

President Obama withdrew his support for a single-payer health care system like Britain's Monday. Let's guess what changed his mind. President Obama favored a single-payer health care system until he found out Churchill's country has one, and now he thinks it's colonial.

Correspondents' Dinner emcee Wanda Sykes made the president laugh calling Rush Limbaugh the twentieth hijacker and a strung-out drug addict and calling for his kidneys to fail. Rush refused to comment. Under the rules of political correctness, white males aren't allowed to answer back, they can only continue to own and run everything.

GOP National Chairman Michael Steele brought up Mitt Romney's Mormonism as an example of past party intolerance Tuesday. The candidacy was a liberating experience for every American. It enabled comedians to throw out our rich white guy jokes about Republicans and replace them with polygamy jokes no one's ever heard outside of Utah.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio