Argus Hamilton's column for 5-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The L.A. Dodgers drew a giant crowd to Dodger Stadium on Mother's Day. They gave away free female fertility drugs to the first ten thousand mothers. As long as they had to clean out Manny Ramirez's locker, it seemed like a shame to throw it away.

President Obama stood at the lectern at the White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday and told funny jokes about himself and his family. The press walked out. They will not tolerate anyone telling jokes about Barack Obama, they think it's racist.

President Obama did stand-up comedy at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner where the president got huge laughs from a room full of reporters. It was like a worship service. At last he found a church he can join with a clear conscience.

Comic Wanda Sykes hosted the Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday. She joked that Rush Limbaugh is a terrorist and a drug user and she hopes his kidneys fail. When the interpreter for the deaf finished translating the punchline he needed medical attention.

The Shuttle Atlantis blasted off Monday at Cape Canaveral. The astronauts were told to disregard the engine warning light that came on after launch. It's not clear at this point if the government took over GM or if GM took over the government.

Hawaii's lawmakers voted Friday to have the Aloha State celebrate the nation's first Islam Day. They said Islam Day will be in recognition of the religion's great impact on America. The impact was great and the fireball was simply spectacular.

Mexico declared an end to the swine flu epidemic on Monday. People had already forgotten about it. When Americans realized that the Taliban rebels were just an hour's drive from Pakistan's nuclear arsenal, suddenly germ warfare seemed manageable.

President Obama met with trade lobbyists for hospitals, doctors, insurance and drug companies Monday. Neither side cares about health. He was dealing with lobbyists and they're dealing with the first president in history who smokes Newports.

Joan Rivers won Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday. The final scene was held in the American Museum of Natural History. She and Donald Trump had a big fight at the fossils exhibition about which one of them was forming a better oil pool.

Dick Cheney told CBS's Face the Nation Sunday he thinks President Obama has made America less safe. Every day he goes on the air. It's only been a hundred days and already Osama bin Laden has posted a twenty-five million dollar reward for Dick Cheney.

National Security Adviser James Jones said Sunday he isn't sure if Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. No one believes him. Everyone knows we have satellites that tell who is alive, who is dead, and how much they bet on Sunday's Boston Celtics game.

Pope Benedict made his first visit to Israel Monday guarded by eighty thousand security officers. He told the Israelis and Palestinians to find a way to get along. Next he's going to settle that Roadrunner-Coyote thing.

The Postal Service raised stamp prices to forty-four cents Monday in response to falling business. They also threatened to end Saturday service if business doesn't pick up. The government just announced that unless everyone buys a GM car, they're going to sell them for a hundred thousand dollars and they'll only have two tires.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio