Argus Hamilton's column for 5-10-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama marked National Prayer Day Thursday with a proclamation instead of a White House prayer service. Everyone's different. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked to Jesus, and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on major holidays.

Bernie Madoff's secretary told Fox News Wednesday the Wall Street swindler received sex massages on his lunch hour from women who advertised in escort ads. Everybody was just outraged. Now all the investors he screwed are worried they might have a disease.

Sarah Palin's teen-mom daughter Bristol told a National Teen Pregnancy Awareness Day rally in New York Wednesday that she misses her freedom. She also misses the baby's father. So far she's shot high and to the left every time he's come to the door.

Brett Favre talked to the Minnesota Vikings about coming out of retirement for them Monday. It's the perfect city for him. Brett Favre craves national attention and he knows he can go into the Minneapolis airport men's room any time he needs some.

President Obama took Joe Biden out to lunch Tuesday at a Virginia hamburger restaurant famous for its aged beef. The trip was Joe's idea. The best way to calm the nation about swine flu is to remind them Mad Cow is still out there waiting to strike.

Star Trek premiered in movie theaters nationwide this weekend. The outer space series has always featured a multicultural cast. However, there are no Pakistanis aboard the Starship Enterprise in this movie, probably because it's set in the future.

The White House dealt with the growing crisis in Pakistan Wednesday. Radicals were sighted just sixty miles from the capital city. That's how far their favorite restaurant is from the White House, but they will be back at their desks after lunch.

Pakistan sought U.S. help guarding its nuclear arsenal from an advancing Taliban Wednesday. We face two scenarios. Either President Obama stops the Taliban from seizing Pakistan's nukes or we can all finally stop worrying about retirement planning.

Liberty Sun shipping asked Congress Monday for the right to arm its commercial ships against Somali pirates. It's a dangerous world out there but it's lucrative. Replacing bullet-ridden U.S. flags is the biggest business in China since tennis shoes.

Sen. Arlen Specter was enraged Wednesday when Harry Reid stripped him of his seniority after telling him if he turned Democrat he could keep it. Where's he been? Harry Reid represents the great state of Nevada and the people there won't even deliver the mail unless you tip.

England topped a poll of America's favorite countries on Monday with an eighty percent approval rating, and Canada was second. France jumped twelve points to a fifty-seven percent approval. It just shows if world leaders want American support they either need to speak English or they are going to have to show us nude photos of their wives.

Arnold Schwarzenegger declared it's time for Californians to debate legalizing marijuana. It's long past time. For thirty years we've been teaching kids to love the earth, it was just a matter of time before they breathed in while they were kissing it.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's marriage broke up Tuesday over his eye for a teenage blonde. The girl's mother was a showgirl who worked for Silvio thirty years ago when he left his first wife for his current wife, a stripper back then. Italy went through a hundred governments in sixty years until they got one that suited them.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio