Argus Hamilton's column for 4-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued a toll-free number for a recorded foreign policy update from Hillary Clinton on Friday, but the number turned out to be a phone sex line. It was an honest goof. They accidentally gave out the number for the Bill Clinton update.

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano changed the name of the War on Terror to the overseas contingency operations. She also changed terror attacks to man-caused disasters. This time next year, March Madness will be known as Bipolar Disorder Month.

The Guiding Light was canceled by CBS Friday after seventy-two-years. This is another colossally stupid network decision. Just when ten percent of the country is out of work and sitting home watching soap operas, CBS decides to broadcast dead air.

Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted for fraud on Friday. It's unfair. When he tried to sell a U.S. Senate seat for a million dollars last September he had no idea it would only be worth three hundred thousand dollars six months later.

North Korea was seen in satellite photos on Thursday fueling an ICBM missile for Saturday's launch. Google Earth doesn't lie. It's a miracle that technology invented for watching nude sunbathers in their backyards has a dual purpose for national security.

The Kentucky Wildcats signed basketball coach John Calipari for thirty million dollars. The job also has tremendous benefits. After six months of recruiting in living rooms all across the country you know every Queen Latifah movie backwards and forward.

The New York Yankees were reported Wednesday to be having trouble selling their five-thousand-dollar box seats. The perks that come with the tickets are nice. If you give a pitcher the thumbs down during a tough inning a lion will come out and eat him.

Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman publicized her just-released autobiography Friday by posing nude in front of cameras wearing nothing but lettuce. There was no danger of exposure. All the farm workers have back to Mexico because of the economy.

John McCain urged a presidential pardon Friday for the first black heavyweight champ, Jack Johnson. He was convicted ninety years ago for transporting women across the state line for immoral purposes. Just knowing that law is still on the books could be enough to cancel the passenger railroad line from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in the stimulus bill.

French first lady Carla Sarkozy took Michelle Obama on a tour of the Strasbourg Cathedral on Friday. It was very chilly inside. Carla Sarkozy walked around with that I-am-a-supermodel air and Michelle had that air of Queen-Elizabeth-likes-me-best.

President Obama told the G-20 conference in London Thursday the U.S. will be a good team player on the world stage from now on. Everyone's skeptical. Gary Sheffield says the same thing every spring but by September he's split the team in two with his demands.

The Group of 20 nations meeting in London Thursday agreed to clamp down on corporate tax havens like Luxembourg. High taxes prevent illegal immigration. Mexican workers won't come to the United States anymore because they have bigger plans with their lives.

Congress voted Thursday to give the FDA power to regulate tobacco. This is the perfect chance for the tobacco states to legalize pot smoking. Restaurant patrons may not like the smell at first but everybody will be used to it by the third dessert.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio