Argus Hamilton's column for 4-5-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Queen Elizabeth gave President Obama a private audience Wednesday. It's a formal ceremony. He walked into the Queen's sitting room, bowed his head, then presented her with his credentials as United States president and chairman of Government Motors.

The White House prepared to seize Chrysler Friday after President Obama purged General Motors. Who's next? Kremlinologists are studying photos of the Inaugural Parade to see which company is standing furthest away from him on the reviewing stand.

President Obama gave a strong pitch asking Americans to buy GM cars Monday and vowed to stand behind every warranty. He's over-managing the economy, he's sending troops into quagmires in Asia and now he's selling used cars. He sold his soul to get elected president, which explains why Richard Nixon never really leaves the Oval Office.

The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it's not officially a depression until prohibition is repealed.

The Special Olympics urged people to stop using the word retarded as a general insult. Fair enough. We have to come up with a new word for anyone who'd force automakers to make cars Americans won't buy, thinking it'll keep them out of bankruptcy.

The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you are suicidal they make you pay in advance.

Joe Biden's daughter Ashley was caught snorting coke at a party in a videotape being shopped to the tabloids this week. She won't answer any questions about the embarrassing photo. She's terrified she's going to be banned from competitive swimming.

Congressman Barney Frank authored a bill to let Congress set the pay scale for all jobs in bailed-out companies. His committee just called Charlie Brown to testify. He once successfully ran a lemonade stand and Congress just wanted to pick his brains.

London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese communists are now the capitalists, France's president is Hungarian, the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards.

London bankers came to work dressed like hippies Tuesday to avoid being mobbed by anti-capitalist street protesters. The bankers wanted to look scruffy, beat up and impoverished. Some of them came to work wearing nothing but their balance sheets.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown had a simple state dinner Wednesday at Ten Downing Street. It was to avoid putting on airs. Michelle Obama likes to eat things that are grown in the ground but when they dug up the yard all they found was an Irish terrorist.

Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud took credit for terror attacks in Pakistan last week. He's now threatening to attack the White House. He heard the War on Terror has been renamed the Overseas Contingency Operation and he doesn't appreciate the demotion.

Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana's streets are filled with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio