Argus Hamilton's column for 4-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Warren Buffett holds his annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He's rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak he invested in Get Well cards.

The New York Yankees cut in half the price of those twenty-five hundred dollar seats Tuesday. Nobody sat in them during the first homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly the seats are only worth twenty-five hundred dollars if they face the other way.

New Yorkers panicked seeing Air Force One flying low over New York skyscrapers Monday. They thought the plane had been hijacked. From now on, all presidents will have to take off their shoes and go through security before they can get on the plane.

President Obama was furious Monday when told Air Force One buzzed New York for a publicity photograph. Imagine his anger at the publicity department. How many times does he have to tell them that he's the star of this show and not some airplane?

The White House Military Office said Monday they flew Air Force One over New York to get a picture of the plane directly over the Statue of Liberty. Now it makes sense. It was easier to start a panic in New York, spend three hundred thousand dollars of taxpayer money, and then apologize than it was to learn Photoshop.

Arlen Specter changed to the Democratic party after thirty years as a GOP senator. He spent a long Sunday with his conscience and his spiritual advisor. All the lawmakers go to St. John's Episcopal ever since the church hired a pollster to be the new rector.

Michael Vick was offered a contract by the Arena Football League next month when he leaves prison. He won't need the job. Michael Vick could become a national hero by arranging swine fights until the pig population's no longer a threat to public health.

Israel's Health Minister asked news organizations Monday to refer to swine flu as Mexican Flu. He said its name is offensive to Muslims and Jews. Mexico could be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for finding the one thing Muslims and Jews can agree on.

Wall Street reacted predictably to the swine flu scare Tuesday. Airline stocks fell but pharmaceuticals rebounded. They had been very depressed on reports that President Obama was going to heal the sick, but when he didn't the drug stocks rallied.

Homeland Security debated Monday whether to halt all travel to and from Mexico to stop swine flu. The border shootouts are more dangerous than ever. If they are not sneezing from the coke they are coughing from the flu and nobody can hit anything.

Los Angeles protesters called for the U.S. Navy to cease naval exercises off the coast of California Monday. It causes problems. Last year a sperm whale attacked a submarine near Catalina, and now every time it fires a torpedo he passes out cigars.

General Motors announced Monday it's taking major steps to become a leaner car company and is killing the Pontiac. It's not the car it once was. Pontiac used to make the fastest cars in America and two weeks ago it finished third in the Boston Marathon.

The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday a lawsuit by five former terror suspects of the CIA can go forward. They say they were kidnapped, beaten, cut with scalpels and shocked. The Thanksgiving table at the Cheney house is not for the faint of heart.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio