Argus Hamilton's column for 4-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center's name last week because the Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We're lucky al-Qaeda isn't opening an office there or kids would have to be taught that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canadian geese.

Joe Biden's daughter Ashley Biden won't comment about a video that apparently shows her snorting cocaine at a party. It's a huge embarrassment for the administration. She's going to have to check into the Betty Ford Center because the Democrats don't have any rehabs.

The Arnold Palmer Invitational featured many NBC interviews with Arnold Palmer in the broadcast booth. He's routinely addressed by America's golfing community as the king, which is healthy. It's the only thing that keeps Barack Obama's ego in check.

John Kerry led a panel in El Paso Monday investigating the Mexico drug cartels' cross-border incursions into America. We're being invaded by an oil country. If this was an episode of the game show Jeopardy, the category would be Turnabout's Fair Play.

The White House sent activists door-to-door to urge passage of the president's budget Monday. They don't want anybody reading it too closely. Rickey Henderson's Major League record for most steals in one year was broken halfway through the stimulus bill.

The NFL was reported Monday to be thinking of letting players wear advertising logos on their uniforms. The ads will be seen not just on games, but on SportsCenter forever. As more and more companies get bailed out, you can watch the highlight reels year after year and get more and more resentful over how they wasted their money.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged expanding the NFL season to eighteen games with the Super Bowl delayed until President's Day weekend. The unions are against the idea. For forty years the Monday after the Super Bowl has been a paid hangover day.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates assured Fox News Sunday that Pakistan is being watched extremely carefully by the United States. We're talking about a nuclear-armed country with extremists in charge of its government. And then there is Pakistan.

President Obama announced a restructuring of General Motors Monday. A carmaker is now federally run like the post office. There's no comparison between General Motors and the U.S. Post Office, except that all the employees are armed and dangerous.

The White House forced GM's CEO Rick Wagoner to leave Sunday as a condition for federal aid. It's a new kind of farm subsidy for the Upper Midwest states. Every spring the government is going to till the soil by running companies into the ground.

Rick Wagoner got a twenty million dollar GM retirement package when he left General Motors Monday. No amount of public outrage will persuade him to give it back. If there's one thing these guys learned from the AIG scandal, it's that it'll all blow over in a week.

Hillary Clinton embarrassed herself touring Mexico last week when she visited a Roman Catholic shrine in a small town and told the people gathered outside the church they had a marvelous virgin. She sounded a little condescending. The only shrine Methodists take seriously is Amen Corner on the back nine at Augusta National.

Israel's new prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu took power Tuesday with a coalition of left and right, secular and religious. No country in history ever showed such patience with external threats. If Israel attacked every country that wanted to destroy it, they'd expand so fast they'd have to name their airport after Barry Bonds.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio