Argus Hamilton's column for 4-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Captain Richard Phillips was honored in Vermont Saturday after his rescue from pirates. He's back in America just in time for ten percent unemployment and swine flu. When he volunteered to be a hostage in Somalia he was following his survival instinct.

Mexico City citizens donned surgical masks to try to ward off swine flu Friday as cases of the deadly strain surfaced in Texas and California. Homeland Security's on the job. Janet Napolitano just announced it entered the United States from Canada.

President Obama asked TV networks for free air time Wednesday night for his press conference. It's costly for networks to give him prime time during a rating sweeps period. He's willing to meet the networks halfway and answer all questions barechested.

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia's Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight million dollar deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will still be a Detroit six years from now.

The NFL held its annual college draft Saturday in Radio City Music Hall. There is a reason they put all the players in the home of the Rockettes. Nobody wants to draft a player until they know how he'll act in a room full of half-naked dancers.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino was targeted by the wife of an assistant Saturday in a ten million dollar extortion scheme. She threatened to sink his career if he didn't pay ransom. She's been arrested by the FBI and knighted by the King of Somalia.

Variety reported Saturday that the William Morris Agency of Beverly Hills will merge with Endeavor and combine their roster of entertainment clients. Business is booming at the agencies. They get ten percent of all their clients' unemployment checks.

Hillary Clinton paid a surprise visit to Baghdad Saturday. Her arrival set off alarms in the presidential palace. Everybody knows that whenever Hillary Clinton walks into a president's office unannounced, the regime could fall along with his pants.

The FDA obeyed a court order Wednesday to let seventeen-year-old girls get the morning-after birth control pill. The label's specific. The pill can only be taken by women because, generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found on the morning after.

The White House was locked down Friday after a Cessna flew into restricted air space. The pilot faces serious fines. As soon as the Democrats took office they restricted the air space over Washington to protect the birds from being struck by planes.

Al Gore testified before Congress on Earth Day Wednesday about the need to save the planet from global warming. Democrats don't have a monopoly on love for the planet. Every Earth Day the Republicans used recycled water on the terror suspects at Guantanamo.

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. They continued to waterboard him because they didn't think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles.

Former CIA director Porter Goss blasted Barack Obama Friday for releasing Bush administration torture memos. It was awful. It's all well and good to look forward and not back, but what President Bush did to the English language must be prosecuted.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio