Argus Hamilton's column for 4-26-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

South Carolina was declared a disaster area Friday after brushfires threatened seaside hotels while forests and farms burned to the ground. Thousands fled as the flames headed toward Charleston. Electing another Abe Lincoln may have been a mistake.

Jay Leno canceled his Tonight Show Thursday after he checked himself into the hospital with food poisoning. He's fine now but he's learned his lesson. This is the last time he ever tells the waitress he'll just have what the polo pony is having.

Mullock's Art Auctioneers in London sold fifteen sketches and paintings by Adolf Hitler for a fortune Thursday. The word spread. Mel Gibson just made a mental note to draw doodles during his divorce trial and leave them lying around for posterity.

The Detroit Lions appeared ready to draft Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford number one Saturday. Detroit will give a kid millions as they shut down fifteen auto plants. If he hires someone to mow his lawn he'll be the biggest employer in Michigan.

New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan defined marriage Wednesday as a sacred union between one man and one woman for life. He didn't have to say that. If he wanted to lose the Miss USA Pageant, the swimsuit competition would've been enough to finish him.

Miss California did all the cable talk shows after she was denied the Miss USA title by a gay judge for saying she opposes gay marriage. This will be studied in biology classes for years. It's a textbook example of how a Fox News anchor is born.

Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse was jailed in New York Tuesday on charges of piracy on the high seas. They will never convict the kid. His jury consultant will have no trouble rounding up twelve people who download songs and movies illegally.

President Obama addressed an Earth Day rally in Iowa on Wednesday. He flew Air Force One to Iowa, then helicoptered to a town amid decoy helicopters, then rode in his armor-plated limo to the rally. He said Americans needs to use our energy more wisely.

President Obama met with credit card executives Thursday to jaw about interest rates. He said he's determined to get a credit card law that gets rid of all the fine print. Everybody who turns forty-seven suddenly thinks the print's too small.

Dick Cheney demanded the release of CIA files showing that waterboarding prevented a terror attack on the Los Angeles Public Library. The terrorists meant well. This is the one building in America you can blow up knowing that nobody's inside.

The CIA released memos Thursday showing they briefed Congress six years ago on torture methods. So if Cheney goes to jail, Pelosi goes with him. It only took the Democrats a hundred days to take us back to the days of mutual assured destruction.

Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano said wrongly that the World Trade Center terrorists came into the U.S. through Canada. Then she said Canadians allow different people into their country than we do and that Mexican illegal immigrants aren't breaking U.S. law. She left three messes in one day for the president to clean up, tying Bo's record.

Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio