Argus Hamilton's column for 4-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Producers opens in Germany for the first time in May complete with its hit number, Springtime for Hitler. Bad idea. Showing The Producers in Germany is like showing Boogie Nights at the Betty Ford Center, it is still too soon to joke about it.

General Motors announced Wednesday it will shut down its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer. The handwriting is on the wall. If the Detroit Lions have any sense at all they'll use their first draft pick tomorrow to select the Los Angeles Coliseum.

President Obama appeared barechested in shorts on the Washingtonian magazine's cover Monday. The Founding Fathers wore satin pants, silk stockings and high-heel shoes. It just proves that all historical figures look a little gay in their pictures.

Great Britain raised its income tax rate Wednesday to fifty percent on all income over one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. You can see what's coming. Pretty soon all the ballots for elections in Beverly Hills will have to be printed in English.

Phil Mickelson committed Tuesday to play in the Quail Hollow Club Championship in Charlotte next week. That guarantees a big crowd. Phil Mickelson's nickname around the PGA is Lefty, which is also what they call first-time shoplifters in Saudi Arabia.

Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse appeared in a Manhattan federal court Tuesday where he was arraigned on charges of piracy. The five-foot-two and ninety pound African teenager broke down crying in court. He doesn't want to be adopted by Madonna.

Somali pirate Abduwali Muse was charged with piracy in Manhattan Tuesday. It carries a life sentence. It would give him three meals a day and a bed for the rest of his life, putting him on the Forbes list of the four hundred richest Somalis.

Manhattan's federal court heard details of the Somali pirate lifestyle Tuesday. They ransom ships, get the ransom cash parachuted to them, then take the millions back to Pirate Town where they snort coke, party with strippers and drink Cognac until dawn. This is anthropological proof that it's human nature to want to live in the late Seventies.

The Montreal Canadiens asked their fans Tuesday to stop booing the U.S. national anthem at home games. They're angry that Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano wrongly said the World Trade Center attackers came from Canada. The Obama Doctrine states that the U.S., Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand form the Axis of Guilt.

President Obama gave a speech in Iowa for Earth Day Wednesday. We can all help save the planet. Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels and Republicans make an extra effort to replace their divots.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced Tuesday he will run for governor of California in the Democratic primary. A couple of years ago he checked into rehab after his affair with a Fox News reporter was exposed. After twenty-eight days in rehab he was able to switch to CNN reporters and he hasn't fallen off the wagon since.

Hillary Clinton slammed Pakistan's regime in congressional testimony Wednesday for retreating to the Taliban. She warned against giving up territory in exchange for peace. She said it's a deal with the devil, and if you've made one you can spot one.

President Obama opened the door Tuesday to prosecuting the Bush administration for the torture of terror suspects. This would be hard to stop once it started. If Dick Cheney wants to appear on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, he had better hurry.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio