Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush announced plans Monday to perform on the dinner circuit together. The phone's ringing off the hook. After just one hundred days of hope and change, Americans are already nostalgic for the days of adultery and torture.

NASCAR fans plan to hold the world's largest chicken dance Sunday at Talladega Superspeedway. A hundred thousand people will flap their arms and walk like chickens as the music plays. You knew when Bristol Palin finally got married there'd be a huge celebration.

Captain Richard Phillips got offers from Hollywood studios for the film rights to his heroic story Tuesday. How much he gets depends on his past. If he's led an upright life he could get millions, but if he has skeletons in his closet the sky's the limit.

Somali pirate chief Abduhl Wali-i-Musi was arraigned in Manhattan Tuesday following his capture at sea last week. He's locked up in the same jail as Bernie Madoff. It just shows that the only difference between civilization and Somalia is a salad fork.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff failed to protect his assets with a bankruptcy motion Monday. His lawyer is trying to get all charges dropped. He's arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren't any rich people any more.

Woody Allen was confronted in court with past sex scandals Monday when he sued a clothing line for sliming him. Never become famous. When most people heard that Madonna got hurt riding a horse Sunday they thought she'd hit a new low in boyfriends.

Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano drew an international protest from Ottawa Monday by saying the World Trade Center bombers came from Canada. Of course that's not true. Covering up for Saudi Arabia is an American tradition as old as the Model-T.

Hugo Chavez said Sunday socialism is reaching the U.S. due to Barack Obama. It's just crazy. Republicans have been hoping for a great comedian to represent their side ever since Bob Hope died but no one imagined he wouldn't be able to speak English.

President Obama returned from his tour of Latin America Saturday. He's nothing if not original. For many years U.S. presidents have tried to think of the best way of dealing with North Korea, Iran and Cuba, but no one ever thought of aligning with them.

President Obama opened the door Tuesday to prosecuting the Bush administration for torturing al-Qaeda prisoners. It's an idea he picked up at the Summit of the Americas. We're not a banana republic until the previous administration is imprisoned.

Bill Clinton joined President Obama in a drive to promote volunteerism Tuesday by planting trees in a Washington park. It's instinctive. Democrats spend their entire lives making it as tough as possible for Republicans to get a clear shot at the green.

Dick Cheney defended the use of harsh interrogation techniques on captured al-Qaeda fighters Tuesday. He's the official most likely to face trial for it. Nobody is going to believe that anything besides the T-ball league was President Bush's idea.

Dick Cheney formally asked the CIA Tuesday to release memos revealing how much good intel was gleaned from terror suspects being tortured. It provided a valuable tip to interrogators four years ago. After being waterboarded a hundred and eighty-three times, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed finally told them to sell their bank stocks and buy Exxon Mobil.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio